


Love me till' I'm me again

by CathyStydiaScomiche



Category: Pentatonix, Superfruit
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pentatonix - Freeform, Pining, Scomiche, Slow Burn, mitch just wants scott, scott wears suits a lot and is miserable, superfruit - Freeform, unrequited feelings at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 11:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5624809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CathyStydiaScomiche/pseuds/CathyStydiaScomiche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scott has a life he never asked for - he works at his dad's law firm and everyday he loses himself a bit more.Scott has a girlfriend he never really wanted,but everyday he has to pretend a bit more.Scott also has Mitch,his escape.But Mitch doesn't have Scott,despite the fact that he wants him more than anything in the world.Will Mitch just stick around to see Scott fall apart into a life he never really wanted?<br/>/ or a best friends au where Scott is miserable with his life and Mitch is just miserably pining for him</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_________

It was still early in the morning when Scott's obnoxious alarm went off.It kept ringing until eventually he sighed deeply from under the white covers and shut it off,rolling on his side.His eyes were still closed -if he would open them that would mean his day would start.He would have to put on another suit he hates,and go to a job he hates,and work like a dog for almost no money at his father's firm because 'it was his duty'.He opened his eyes and squinted at the light filtered through the white curtains.He felt the weight of another person on the mattress and rolled back.He knew who would be laying there,in a deep slumber,hair all messy from sleeping ..in a perfect world.

Instead,it was 'just' his girlfriend.He looked at her for a second.She was snoring softly,sleeping in just one of Scott's shirt and underwear.Her beautiful hair framed her face and her shirt had risen up slightly,showing a bit of her stomach skin.Scott wanted to laugh because this was probably the dream of millions of men,waking up next to a model sleeping next to you,but this certainly wasn't his dream - he didn't even want it.

He looked at the row of perfectly aligned suits.He thought about the law firm he was doing his internship at,a firm that one day was going to be his.He thought about the amount of work he put into it,the sleepless nights,the strict rules his father made him stuck by.He thought about how much of himself he had to deny,to the point where he didn;t recognize the person in the mirror anymore.The walls were caving in on him,and everyday it was getting harder and harder to breathe.It was all making him miserable.  
He grunted as he was washing his teeth and looking in the mirror.For the 100th time,he wanted to break it into a million shards.And for the 100th time,he got ready murmuring the same words over and over again 'I don't want any of this,any of this,any of this ..'The only thing he did want,his best friend,Mitch,was on the other side of the town most of the time,living his life like it should be lived,going to music school,singing in an acapella group,laughing,going out,being honest with himself and the world around him.Scott sighed ..all of this,without him.

He tried to shake those silly thoughts out of his head.Be proper,be the best,don't fail everybody,he repeated to himself.Even if it makes you feel like this?A little voice questioned,trying to bring up images of a better future,dropping out on everything,moving in a little apartment with Mitch,burning all his suits.Even if,he reassured himself.

Scott entered the kitchen on his toes,trying his best not to wake Jo up.Even his apartment didn't feel like home.It was all white,minimalist,and expensive,the kind of expensive that is obnoxious,like its meant to be noticed.  
Everywhere there were framed pictures of his girlfriend,in different sizes,mostly black and white.So everywhere he went he was reminded of the life he was served on a tray,already choreographed for him,with costumes that didn't fit him and lyrics he didn't write.There was one single picture of both of them in the living room.  
They were just about to go to the Celine Spring Show when the picture was taken.Jo looked as flawless as ever,beaming with happiness.Scott was in one of his most expensive suits,which he hated passionately,and was pulling a half-smirk as his hand was hovering awkwardly over her waist.He looked like a put-together mess and she looked carved in marble.Like always.

Scott sighed deeply looking at the picture.He didn't want to spend too much time actually thinking about his life these days and his ..relationship.She was beautiful,and her eyes were sparkling,so why couldn't he just do the normal thing to do,and love her madly?Why couldn't his heart just settle on being with her and being genuine about it?

"Good moooorning Scottland" Scott froze in place and tensed.'That's why' his heart replied and it seemed like his whole body was mocking him,because the second he heard Mitch's voice he got a tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach.The sight of Jo crying whe he asked her to be his girlfriend didn't even come close to that,but Mitch simply walking in did.Jesus Christ.Scott rolled his eyes."Guess who"

The brunette put his hands over Scott's eyes and giggled."Oh,I wonder who.It must be Michelle." the blonde played along.He laughed to hide off the fact that he didn't almost gush over how adorable Mitch was standing on his tippy toes because of the height difference or the fact that Mitch's warmth and cologne smell almost left him breathless for some reason.  
Seeing him filled his whole being with such joy it was almost ridiculous.The whole room filled with light and Scott took in everything,the way Mitch was dressed,his hair,his mood,his silly sayings.

"I come bearing gifts of coff-eeee" Mitch sang and placed a brown bag on the kitchen table."Be quiet,Jo is still sleeping." Scott shushed him and took a sip of his coffee,sitting next to Mitch at the counter,beaming like a maniac.Mitch pouted and stuck his tongue out at Scott,who tried to scowl at him but failed."What,is the mattress princess tired from all the cocktails?"

"Don't be mean.She works hard,she's tired." Scott defended her without even realizing it was Mitch who he was defending her to.It was like he learnt to act like a boyfriend.He caught himself speaking the words without even realizing.He instantly regretted it but he had to keep up the perfect boyfriend image,didn't he?

Mitch pouted and Scott swore he read something similar to hurt or disappointment in his eyes.Mitch brushed a few strands of hair from Scott's forehead and spoke softly "No one works as hard as you do.Some days I'm worried sick about you.And it's mainly because I'm not even sure you're happy"They looked at eachother for a few moments like everything else but them ceased to exist in the world.And of course the blonde couldn't help but stare at Mitch biting his lower lip,hypnotized by it.

Scott wanted to scream in frustration.He wanted to speak up for once his life and admit how right Mitch was,to confess how eager he was to run away and speak about the way his chest caved in just thinking about waking up again tomorrow morning.  
But he couldn't.So instead he tried to fake a smile and just drink his coffee,like he always did.He just sat there trying to avoid facing the day before him and instead just lost himself in Mitch's presence,pretending that counting the shades in your best friend's eyes or having your heart burst when you make them laugh was the normal,best friend thing to do.Like always.

They always met like this,more so these days.Half an hour for coffee,before they both started their days.It was Scott's daily bubble of happiness,away from the hidden misery that was the rest of his busy day,usually.

"Morning guys." 

Jo came in the kitchen barefooted and stretching lazily.Scott's big tshirt draped off her shoulder and she looked pretty without any wake up on and her hair messy.She snaked her arms around Scott then turned his chin around,kissing him softly.

It wasn't that kissing her wasn't nice.Objectively speaking,she was a good kisser,and her lips were soft and everything.But Scott was just..kind of there.It really didn't matter to him if they kissed or not.Apparently she felt particularly affectionate that morning and she deepened the kiss,brushing her long fingers through his hair and stealing one more peck before finally retreating and stealing some of Scott's coffee.

The blonde took a deep breath in and drew his attention back to his best friend,slightly annoyed,but he was kind of shocked.The colour from Mitch's cheeks faded and now he was pale and looking in blank.He fidgeted with his coffee cup for a second and avoided looking back at Scott.He suddenly got up and gathered his keys and his bag.He mumbled something about having a class early,but Scott knew for sure Mitch didn't have class at all that day.

Scott got up as well,worried,and walked Mitch out."Are you sure everything is ok?"Mitch managed to look up before shutting the door behind him."Yeah,I'm fi-fine." It took Scott one look to know he wasn't fine.Something was definitely not fine.There were storm stirring up inside Mitch's eyes,there worry,and anger,but most obviously there was pain.

"Is everything fine?" Jo always looked like someone was about to take a picture of her,Scott thought.He didn't understand what he was doing next to someone like her.He loved her in some weird,mostly platonic way,but she had her quirks,and her and Mitch had always hated each other.So he knew she was just faking worry for him.

"I think so.I'm worried though,I will check up on him later today." Scott sighed and hugged her,and she rested her forehead on his shoulder.

She took like a normal sign of affection.But it was really something more,it was a frustration,a longing for the hug he never got from Mitch before he left,a longing for the life he had and the life Scott wished for.

/

 

The hell with it.The hell with Scott and his planned life which was obviously making him miserable.The hell with his girlfriend,his perfect,prissy,incredibly in love with him girlfriend.

Mitch's rant went on in his head for the entire car ride back.He could live with only seeing Scott for half an hour if he'd knew he was happy working so hard.He could accept them living so far away if he'd knew Scott liked his apartment,where everything was spotless.What was killing him was the thing he was supposed to be supportive about,as a bestfriend.  
His girlfriend.Why did she have to be so beautiful?Every time Mitch came over he felt like a withered dandelion next to a rose garden.His eyes were so eager to get as much as Scott as he could in the little time they had that he couldn't help but notice the way she looked at him,like she was looking at a prized possession.

He got weak in the knees and started shaking when she brushed her fingers through his hair,or leaned on his side,or played with the button of his shirt.It all went through him with a sharp pain,like a bullet.It was jealousy,and it hurt like hell.He usually managed to compose himself around them,but this time it was all too much.

He had a terrible night before,the kind of terrible that ends itself in vodka and staying up until 4 am.The guy from dance class,the one with whom he had 'a thing' shut the door in his face and Kirstie wouldn't answer his calls,so he ended up back at home,heart a mess,thinking about his bestfriend.Again.  
Mitch missed him so much.He missed the way he made him laugh even when he was miserable.He missed drunken nights and going out for McDonalds at 12 am.He missed Scott giving him his hoodie when it was colds or warming up his hands.He missed having his thoughts read even before they were spoke.He missed dragging Scott along in his stupid,random adventures.

So he figured he would drop by and enjoy his presence for a bit.But it wasn't the same.It hadn't been the same since his life turned around.Scott's light faded,and he went from being this radiating sun,a source of energy,a bundle of laughs to a compilation of short words,expensive suits and Dior cologne.  
It hurt.Watching them hurt.Mitch always hid his hands when he was around both of them,because they were always shaking,they were always fumbling and trying to reach over and grab Scott and pull him out.He knew it was all in his head,but he could almost sense it.Somehow,they didn't fit.

He was kissing her back,though.And the kind of pain that swirled in his chest and shot through him like bullets made him understand alcoholism and mind-numbing drugs.He knew he had no right.Jo never did him wrong.She always treated Scott nice,she was loving and gorgeous,the kind of person Scott deserved -the kind of person people expect him to date.That didn't stop Mitch from sassing her out and always arguing with her.That's why he was embarrassed at the rage travelling through his veins,fogging up his mind - that's why he left so suddenly,inventing some excuse about classes.Because it was all too much.Seeing them together hurt like nothing before.  
He went around his day without paying much attention to anything he was doing.His heart was somewhere else,across the town,sitting quietly in the expensive loft his bestfriend never truly wanted ,waiting for him to get home.

Home.. to her.That thought ripped through him with a shredding pain.It was ridiculous,but it wasn't like he could help it.He learned to live with the jealousy and the bitterness.He always ran back to Scott one way or another.Although right now he was kind of running from everything and basically acting like a teenager.He was on a bus on his way to a little record store he used to go to when he first moved there.

That journey always calmed him.He listened to music and just stared out the window,thinking about how good Scott's hand would look next to his on the window glass.When he arrived at the record shop and saw that it was basically empty he got an idea - a selfish frustration led him to pull out his phone and text Scott,pretending it was an emergency and he needed to come there right away.He chuckled and placed his phone back in his pocket-he bit his lips in anticipation -he was really fed up with him defending that prissy barbie of his,he wanted to know if he'd drop everything and run just for Mitch.

After about 15 minutes he started getting anxious- maybe he was really that insignificant ,or maybe he was really busy (but he was always busy) -or maybe he just didn't care.But just that second a taxi pulled up in front of the shop and Scott walked out,frantically looking for Mitch,wearing a plain white tshirt and with a backpack draped off his shoulder,his hair going in all the directions except the right one and looking really disoriented.That sight made his heart swell-he knew this feeling all too well.This was his favorite Scott,no pretentious vocabulary,no suits,just a simple,genuine version of his warm self.But as soon as he saw Mitch hiding behind the cd stands,giggling,he looked mad.

"Oh my god I could kill you you said this was an emergency I was worried I ran out in like 5 seconds my hair is a mess and .. why are you looking at me like that?"

Scott stopped in the middle of his rant when he noticed Mitch standing there,arms crossed,a smug grin on his face.His eyes were sparkling slightly and he just seemed so damn pleased with himself.

"Because you came." Scott had to stop pretending to be mad because he broke into the most colorful,warm laughter,and Mitch kinda felt like his heart could burst any second now."Of course I came.I always will.But I'm still upset about this." Mitch stuck his tongue out at him and pulled him between the stands to show him something."Yeah,sure you are.C'mon,we haven't been here in SO long!"

They spent hours looking around,laughing at old records with cheesy names and trying to guess how they would sound.Scott couldn't remember the last time he laughed with tears- the two of them lost track of time.Soon enough,clouds gathered dark above them and with the bang of a thunder a storm began just as they were about to leave.Mitch was having a perfect day-this was exactly what he wanted,time alone with his bestfriend.

The brunette simply walked further but Scott stopped in the doorway."Come back,you are going to get soaking wet!" Scott scolded,trying to protect his hair with his backpack."So what,come on.It's fun,just pretend we're in a musical." To demonstrate,Mitch ran into the empty street and started twirling around while rain pour harder and harder.Scott still didn't seem convinced,so Mitch grabbed his hand and pulled him out,laughing hysterically after Scott jumped directly into a puddle and started cursing.It turned out it wasn't so bad after all.

"Scott,I need to ask you something." Mitch stopped running and turned around.

"And you chose to do it here,in the middle of an empty road while God is taking his wrath out on us?" Scott joked,but was surprised after looking down at the brunette and realizing he was serious.They stared at each other for a few seconds and nothing else made sense.Mitch had a feeling Scott was holding his breath too.He almost reached out and brushed a few locks of the blonde's hair,but he bit his lip and abstained.He sighed and snapped back into reality.This would never work anyway.

"Nevermind.Let's go get pizza or something,we're both going to get pneumonia anyway."

"Don't act like this wasn't your idea,mister." Scott laughed and followed the brunette.

"Don't act like you aren't enjoying it."

___________________________________

"..I can't believe you actually threw a piece of pizza at a pigeon and wished it a good day "

"What can I say,winning miss Universe requires being humble, generous and gorgeous and I already am the last one so.."

The boys entered the apartment laughing and holding leftover pizza boxes in their hands.The rain eventually stopped and they went to Domino's -it was like high school all over again.And Scott enjoyed himself so much he felt some kind of weight on his chest when he entered his apartment back to his life.

Mitch's mood dropped when he saw Jo sitting in the kitchen,waiting for them.She seemed kind of pissed and he kind of wanted to grab Scott and run.But he was left behind with the boxes and Scott simply went to greet her.She wrapped her tiny hands around his neck and kissed him."I missed you.Where have you guys been?"

Scott went on and rambled excitedly about their adventures and Mitch just kind of stood there,glaring at her when she wasn't looking,or adding snarky comments like "We had the best time,shame you weren't there." Once Mitch realized what he was doing he rested his head in his hands and sighed.It was unjustified.She never did him wrong.She was just wrong for Scott - it was funny because Mitch had this indescribable urge to put a 'his' in front of Scott's name,but the multiple memories Mitch had of them kissing stopped him from it.

Something nagged at him though.Looking at Scott,with his hair wet and messy,his tshirt soaked,a genuine smile on his face and no suit,he didn't seem to fit in the picture at all.He never seemed to fit,no matter how hard he tried.And Mitch saw right through him-he knew he wasn't happy.It was just about his life -here Mitch didn't have a choice but to sit and watch,even if it was tumbling down before him.It was Jo too -and here Mitch did have a choice.  
"I'm gonna go now,I have school tomorrow.But thank you for coming with me." Mitch got up to leave and both of them followed him to the hallway.Scott gave him a tight hug that sent shiver up and down his back and Jo jus waved a hand with an icy smile.Mitch sighed and left,the last image in his head being Jo running her fingers through Scott's wet hair to fix it and him laughing about it looking like a bird nest.Something Mitch would never get to do.

But he had a plan.And despite what it seemed like,he wasn't trying to get Scott- he was trying to find out the truth.And maybe Scott too,but that remained to be seen.

/

 

Mitch tapped his foot and hummed quietly as he waited in the airport cafe,oblivious to the buzz of the crowds strolling through terminals and getting coffee around him.He sighed deeply and hit repeat on his iPhone.It was as if he'd been in that airport for days on end.In reality,it had only been 2 hours.But it certainly felt like more.

He should've never agreed to this.He knew it was torture going in to it.Riding along with your bestfriend to go pick his girlfriend up on a Monday afternoon.With the necessary correction that a)he skipped an important class for this,one he described to Scott as being a 'easy afternoon',b)the girlfriend was a well known supermodel and there was probably going to be press,and c)he was incredibly,undeniably in love with said bestfriend,who left him in this stupid,overpriced cafe to go get his girlfriend and stated he'd be 'right back' exactly 23 minutes ago.

So Mitch was pissed,but not pissed enough to deny that there was no other way he'd rather be spending his day,even if it meant 15 minutes of vague,fugitive conversation with Scott.

He'd been sipping on his ridiculously priced latte and listening to this one song over and over again,sometime humming along to it quite loudly,drawing the attention of strangers who'd stare in admiration of his voice.He'd usually just blush and shut himself up,drawing back to his fantasy scenario he'd been constructing in his head the last 15 minutes,picking at it until it satisfied his need for happy endings.

Right before Scott got a chance to say 'Be right back',Mitch,who in this fantasy was taller for some reason but also extremely brave,would get up an grab Scott's wrist,making the blonde look him the eye.He'd take a moment to clear his voice and just gaze into Scott's wonderful,out-of-this-world shade of blue,but also really confused eyes,and then,grabbing his other hand too and lacing it with his,he'd say:

'Please,don't go.Stay with me.Let's be honest,I know you're unhappy.I can see it in everything you do,even in the way you laugh.So don't go with her,stay with me.Burn all your expensive shirts and come live in my tiny apartment.We will eat cereal out of the box and watch cartoons in the morning and you'd get to decide what you are and what you want to be.I'd make you happy,Scott,I promise.Just..don't go.Choose me.'  
And of course,Scott wouldn't stare at him like he was absolutely crazy.He would take a few second to process,but not too many.Then he'd come closer to Mitch,and closer,until there were inches between them,and just like that,he'd whisper a simple 'Ok.' And Mitch's face would light up like a Christmas tree with joy and surprise,because oh my god,he chose him,but he wouldn't get to reply because Scott would close the space between them and gently kiss him,and he could feel the blonde smile against his lips,and his hands were in Mitch's hair and ..

'Mitch!What the hell,I've been calling at you for like 5 minutes.C'mon,let's go!'

Interrupted from his fantasy by the main character in it.How rude and disappointing,Mitch thought.He was startled from his daydreaming and he removed his earbuds,getting up from the table.He tried very hard not to roll his eyes as he was walking,because latching on to Scott's arm was Jo,who,despite getting off a 6 hour plane ride still looked amazing.

She was wearing high waisted black skinny jeans,a striped shirt and a black floppy hat,her curls falling perfectly from under it,designer bag and all.Mitch would've never admitted it,but she had a good sense of style and all those expensive accessories were making him kind of envious of her high lifestyle.  
Mitch hated himself for paying so much attention to her outfits and her appearance,so he nodded and hoped it counted as a kind of hello.She,on the other hands,seemed chipper and rambled on about her trip and her photoshoot all the way to the car,often getting up on her toes to kiss Scott's cheek or hug him even tighter.He seemed contempt with it but also very,very tired.Mitch just walked behind them,trying to abstain from puking his lunch back at the sight.  
All the way to their apartment he felt like he was going crazy.He started doubting himself;maybe it was all in his imagination.But to him,Scott just seemed so obviously,incredibly miserable.There was no glimmer in his deep eyes.His shoulders were hunched forward,and his head was always low,like he was trying to shrug off a 'are you ok?'

His smile had this sympathetic,sad thing about it,like it barely stood up enough to cover the crumbling mess inside.How come no one else noticed?Didn't she see it,and if not,how could she?His girlfriend was hovering over him nonstop,so how could she be so ignorant?

He had his earbuds back on he was repeating the same song,humming quietly in the backseat.'Hey,play that louder.I like that song.' Scott took Mitch by surprise,who just nodded and connected his phone to the car.The song played smoothly around them,rising a special kind of atmosphere between them.Scott started singing and nodded encouragingly at Mitch.Knowing the song all too well,he began singing too,going along with the oh-so-ironic but suitable lyrics.

'And I hate to say I love you,When it's so hard for me.' Mitch sang and Scott smiled in awe at the sound of his wonderful voice.It gave him goosebumps and he dreamt of a day when he'd be able to just sit and listen to Mitch sing for hours.

'Believe me,I'm sorry,I love you,but not in that way.' Both sang,Scott's voice trailing off at the end into a painful silence.

The two of them made eye contact in the rear view mirror and for Mitch,the world stopped for a few seconds.Because it fitted them so well.Saying those words,saying 'I love you' to Scott would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do,because of the crippling fear that he'd respond exactly like that.I love you,but not in that way.

Mitch bit his lip and broke eye contact,looking out the window.He stopped singing and sat quietly for the rest of the way,because sometime that empty,shredding pain inside his chest was too much for him,it didn't let him talk,or sing,or think.He'd just let the waves wash over him,and he'd sit there,his hands shaking.Just struggling to breath.Scott noticed and furrowed his brows,but didn't say anything.

He,too,knew to respond to problems in only one way.Silence.

________________

Mitch and Scott sat at the kitchen table,chatting in a hushed tone while Jo ran around the apartment in her underwear,trying to find something to wear.She was never shy about her body,and she had no reason to be.

Mitch paid extra attention to the look in Scott's eyes as he was watching her run around.There was no lust there.No passion,or arousal,or anything.Mitch found that weird,but slightly comforting,considering there was a semi naked model walking around them.For Mitch it was normal,not being interested in the slightest bit,but for Scott?

He remembered this one time in senior year Scott hinted at them being more than friends.It was done as a joke,and it was the only time,but Mitch held on to it dearly,and sometimes it gave him a faint hope.They were walking back to his house from the prom.Both of them were slightly tipsy,the stars shined big above and Mitch's heart was full with the laughter they just shared over some stupid joke.Of course Mittch had to go on an elaborate rant about how he would die alone and with 50 cats.In a moment of silence, Scott turned to him with a big grin and told him 'Don't worry,Mitchie.If by the time you're 20 you still don't have someone,which I highly doubt,you and I will go out.And I'll show you the best time of your life.Promise.' And he'd never forgotten it ever since.

Now on her way out,Jo stepped into her heels.The three of them stood in front of the door, and she pulled Scott slightly closer,kissing him and this time lingering a bit.'Bye,babe.I'll be late.' Scott brushed her hair and whispered back in a husky voice.'Mmkay.'

Stealing one more kiss,she waved and whispered 'Love you.' to him,and then walked out.Scott turned around and smiled,looking playfully at Mitch.'So,what do you want to do now?'  
The brunette was leaning on the hallway wall,still recovering from the scene he'd just witnessed.You'd think he'd be use to it by now,but it still punched him breathless in the stomach.Going back to his nervous habit,he bit his lip and stated sheepishly.'You never say it back.' Scott's smile faded in his attempt to sound casual.'Never say what back?'  
'I love you.You never say it back when she says it to you.' It was just an observation,but it seemed to hit all the right places Mitch wanted it to hit.He cocked an eyebrow and his look pierced the room.He saw a series of emotion travel across Scott's face,like clouds on a clear sky.

There was surprise,and confusion,and something he couldn't quite put his finger on -fear?sadness? Anyway,it clearly stirred things inside him and that was all Mitch wanted.A little doubt,a question mark.A head start.He huffed and smiled to himself,quite arrogantly.  
But then something unexpected happened.Scott tilted his head to get a better look at Mitch and his smug smile.The blonde's expression was now un-readable,but his attitude shifted,and he looked taller,and his eyes darker.He bit his own lip and made his way to Mitch,walking slowly,until the brunette found himself backing up into the wall .

The level of oxygen in the room suddenly dropped.Mitch was now staring at a dangerously close Scott.The blonde flickered his look from Mitch's eyes to his lips a couple of times before whispering.'Why are you so curious all of the sudden,Mitch?Hm?' Scott's deep,throaty voice made his knees weak.The way his name sounded rolling off his bestfriend's tongue,it drove him mad.There was all this electricity between them,and Scott could spark it just by coming a little closer and creating a dominate stand for himself.He looked slightly amused,bearing no good intention whatsoever,a playful smirk on his lips.

'I don't,I mean -I ,uh' Mitch stuttered and his voice trailed off,not really paying attention to anything but Scott's lips in that moment.The blonde stepped just a little closer,just enough so that he could whisper so quietly it was like he didn't say nothing at all,but Mitch could still hear him.And this time his voice was sad,and broken down.

'Maybe I don't say it because I don't love her.'

'Oh,Scott' Mitch exhaled,as he felt his heart broke into two equal pieces.That voice.The voice of his bestfriend,defeated in front of his already planned life.So rugged and so violently quiet,like the last thunder of a storm.Mitch gently laid his hands on the blonde's chest and when he looked up he found a pair of cloudy eyes staring back at him,glazed with tears.Scott's warmth started seeping through his bones,and he felt him relax a little under his touch.  
Mitch was trying his best to push down that side of him that wanted to do a little dance of victory,because despite proving himself right,his bestfriend was hurting.He wasn't denying the fact that a huge weight lifted off his burning chest and he felt the urge to present his grand speech right then and there.

'So why are you with her?Why do you put yourself through this?' Mitch cautiously asked.Suddenly they were very aware of the intimacy of the situation,and how incredibly close they were standing,and how Mitch's hands were still on the blonde's chest,so he drew back,embarrassed.

Scott coughed and walked over to the couch,and Mitch could've sworn he saw him blush a little.Resting his head in the palm of his hands,he sighed deeply.'Habit,I guess.And duty.Doing what's expected of me.Not disappointing.' Scott listed.

'For your father?' Mitch exclaimed in surprise that soon enough grew into anger.'You're doing all this for your father?' he asked,pointing at the luxury apartment and the pictures of Jo that were everywhere.Scott looked down and shrugged his shoulders.'You're making yourself working like a slave and date that bossy,pretentious,stuck up bi-'  
'Mitch!' Scott got up and yelled back at him.His eyes were big with surprise and hurt but Mitch ignored it,too mad to shut himself up.'You've left me and your dream just to please your father by training to run his corrupted,big-shot company?Do the model girlfriend and the expensive cars come with this deal?Can't you see this isn't right for you?'

'Who are you to tell me what's right for me and what's not?' Scott confronted him.Being put in front of the truth so bluntly was too much for him.Having his walls teared up scared him to death.He didn't want to deal with it,he didn't want to be aware of his own life.So he yelled back at his bestfriend and he saw the colour in his cheeks fade away,his face livid and pale.

'Someone who actually cares about you.Someone who actually pays attention.You might've fooled your family and your ignorant 'girlfriend',but not me.No matter how much you like lying to yourself,I won't .The biggest lie of all is you living here ..with her.'

Mitch added the last words in a whisper,his eyes already swimming in tears,but not crying,because he knew he'd never stop if he started.He'd fought so passionately for the well being of Scott,who stood there and had just let his life be run for him.And so he was furious.And somehow he blamed her,too.

'You don't know anything about my life.' Scott replied in a cold tone.'Or me.'

'You don't even love her..'

Mitch just stood there for a few moments,his lips parted,as if he wanted to say more,but couldn't.He felt his chest collapse upon itself in pain,the kind of feeling you get when you're kicked in the stomach and you lay down,breathless.'Ok.Ok then.You stay here with your girlfriend and keep lying to yourself,and I won't bother you anymore.'

Scott closed his eyes.He didn't know when Mitch left the apartment -he couldn't hear him walk out.But the sound of the door shutting with a bang echoed in his ears,and as he laid down his head played their conversation over and over again,like a broken record.'You might've fooled your family and your ignorant girlfriend,but not me.'

Again and again.

____________________

A week passed and Mitch went on with his life.Apparently.He went to class,had coffee with Kirstie,sang and even went out drinking one night.Of course he forced a smile everywhere and dulled the constant ache in his chest with crying and too muck vodka every night,like he did with every break up.

But this time it was different.Because it wasn't a break up.it wasn't much of anything.It was his best friend letting go of him,dropping him like dead weight,with so much ease.Mitch wanted to trick himself into thinking feeling like this over a friend was normal,but knew he was fooling no one,because Scott was so much more than a friend to him.He was his everything.And he'd just lost him,so now he had pretty much nothing.

Of course Kirstie was up to date with these events and was frustrated and sad herself.Scott had been a friend of her's too and despite Mitch never actually telling her he had feelings for him,she could see it in the way the brunette's eyes would light up everytime he spoke about him.Which usually was a lot.But not this week,not a single word.It was all sad songs and quiet coffee trips with him this week.  
So finally,on Friday afternoon she sat him down at her table and before he could protest,she shushed him and spoke confidently 'Mitch,you can't keep going on like this.This thing is obviously bothering you.Not having Scott is eating you alive.So go,talk to him.Walk a little on your pride,but do it.Apologize if you have to,but make things right."

Mitch opened his mouth to say something,but Kirstie was already in the hallway with his keys and his phone.'Not a word,Grassi.Go.Fix this.' She gave him a kiss on the cheek and sent him on his way,and Mitch just smiled.Kirstie was,as always,right.

Looking up at the tall,glass building gave him a headache.He'd debated going back home,apologizing or yelling some more at Scott ,but he decided he'd just stick with talking as little as possible and basically making up with his bestfriend,whom he needed so very much.It was ridiculous,but he felt himself getting nervous as he waited for him to descend from his sky-high office and meet him in the fancy hallway Mitch was now pacing.

The thought of seeing Scott again also made him bite back a dimple-showing,stupid smile.Scott replied with 'be right there' to his text,and instead of picking the answer apart whilst waiting,Mitch just spent that time thinking about,big surprise,Scott.

Who,5 minutes later,was getting off the elevator;Mitch looked like he just got knocked over by a train.In fact it was only the sight of his best friend.He was wearing a black suit,but his blazer was off and the first buttons of his shirt were untied.His hair was scruffy and he had this carefree attitude,like he'd just run off from Wallstreet and was waiting to get his picture taken.And Mitch kind of wanted to grab his hand and run off too,parading him around as his incredibly hot,C.E.O boyfriend.But instead he just stuck with an awkward 'Hello'

'Right,so' Mitch began,fidgeting with his hands and avoiding eye contact as much as possible.'First of all,I'm sorry for talking like that.You were right,it wasn't my place,I had no business getting involved.It's your life and I have no right to-what I meant to say was I'm sorry.' Mitch rambled.He stopped for a brief second in hopes that he'll get a reaction-all he got was a half-smile.The blonde opened his mouth to reply,but Mitch was faster 'Let me finish or we'll be here all day.As I said,I'm sorry.But this isn't going to work for me.I can't not talk to you.I don't know about you,but I simply can't have it,so you can't be mad at me,I refuse it.Ok?'

Scott chuckled at how Mitch's voice went a little high at the end,like it always did when he was nervous.'Mmkay.I'm not mad at you.' Mitch relaxed and smiled back,finally looking at Scott.They were okay.He had him back,kind of.'You refuse it,huh?'

Scott must've had a cold or something,because his rugged,throat voice was doing all kind of things to Mitch,and he was pretty sure if he'd call him by his name he would go nuts.'I have to go back to work now.We'll talk more about it tonight,yeah?' Scott asked and smiled with enthusiasm.

'Yeah,right,the party Jo texted me about.I'm bringing Kirstie.' He obviously attended their fancy,cocktail party just because he wanted to talk to Scott.'Alright,great then.See you.'  
As the elevator doors were closing Scott raised his head and smiled fondly at Mitch,who waved.  
'See you.'

_____________________

Walking in the party Mitch was totally surprised.It wasn't the usual,boring scene,filled with snotty rich people criticizing the appetizers.This party looked like the ones him and Scott used to throw.The room was bustling with all kinds of people,there was a thick layer of smoke over their heads,the music was loud and there was alcohol everywhere.He immediately lost Kirstie,who went to get them drinks,and he wandered off into the kitchen to try and find his best friend - he found a giggly Scott mixing margaritas.

'Heeey,you're heree' he exclaimed and hugged his bestfriend,squishing him.'Are you already drunk?' Mitch laughed and hopped on the counter,looking at the blonde cutting limes.'Just a little tipsy.' Scott shrugged it off and continued making his drinks.Mitch laughed again and rolled his eyes,curiously watching Scott.He hadn't seen him this relaxed in a while,not to mention kind of drunk,too.He actually enjoyed it.

Scott dropped his knife on the counter and looked up at Mitch,like he'd just remembered something.'I wanted to ask something.' Scott came closer to Mitch,who cocked an eyebrow at him and smiled.'Oh yeah,what?'

The mood between them changed once again,and the intensity in Scott's eyes made him tense in all the right ways.'I guess I forgot' Scott breathed,putting his hands on both sides of Mitch,who now had nowhere to go.He unconsciously bit his lip as he stared down at Scott,like he always did,but the blonde noticed it.

'Don't bite your lip at me,Mitchie.' Scott whispered and cupped the brunette's face with one of his hands.Mitch didn't even breath.The blonde suddenly brushed his finger on Mitch's lower lip,gently,just enough to send a mass of electricity all throughout his body.'We have so much to talk about.' Scott whispered once again and tilted his head slightly,inches between them,so painfully close their noses were touching.Mitch was painfully aware that from someone else's point of view,it looked like Scott was about to kiss him.And if that wasn't the case,then he'd probably explode because of that thumb playing with his lip,which was driving him insane.Or because of the hypnotizing way Scott looked at him.

'C'mon guys,it's time for the drinking games!' Kirstie barged in the room,already tipsy herself.Scott quickly followed her,not looking back;Mitch exhaled and smiled,licking his lips.This was going to be interesting.

/

'So the rules are simple.Someone says something,and if that thing is true you have to take a shot and then say something else yourself.I'll start'

Everyone was gathered in a circle and Kirstie seemed to be the leader of the game,pouring drinks like it was nobody's business.Mitch was sat in a corner,smiling at his bubbly best friend.She'd always been the life of the party,even in high school.Scott was on the other side of the room,as far away from Mitch as possible.Or so it looked.A guilty look glimmered in his eyes,and he seemed to have a tough time making eye contact with Jo,who sat next to him,looking as gorgeous as ever,even with a beer in her hands.  
Mitch rolled his eyes at the sight and prepared his shot for whatever wacky thing Kirstie would come up with;it was going to take a lot of tequila to numb the things Scott made him feel earlier.Kirstie cleared her voice.

'I have kissed or wanted to do more with someone other than my girlfriend/boyfriend.'

A couple of laughs and nudges were shared.Some people took shots,other simply looked down,embarrassed,and took a sip of their beer.Kirstie beamed,seemingly happy with the how many people she made drink with her sentence.But Mitch froze,and so did Scott.The brunette held his breath and prayed to God Scott was sober enough to realize that it would definitely,certainly not be a good idea to take a shot whilst standing so dangerously close to his girlfriend.

But in the little pause of silence between the last laugh trailing off and the next talking,Scott slowly picked his shot glass up and downed it in one swift move,leaving both Kirstie and Jo with wide,staring eyes and making Mitch almost choke on his own drink,not believing the amount of mess the blonde had just got them in.

Jo suddenly got up and before Scott had time to say anything,she left the room by banging the door loudly behind her.The blonde followed quickly after.

It took a few minutes for Mitch to groan and get up too.

___________

As he stepped forward through the dark hallway Mitch couldn't see anyone;he just heard both of them yelling.At first it was a trail of mumbled words,the music from the living room to loud to make anything audible.But the voices got louder and louder,and he realized they were coming this way.In the spurr of the moment he entered the bathroom and got in the tub,pulling the shower curtain behind him and trying his best not to make a sound.

This was ridiculous.What was he even hiding from.It all made him feel so pathetic.He was hiding in his best friend's tub and he was sneaking in on his fight with his real,actual girlfriend.He froze as the door opened and both of them barged in.He just hoped none of them pulled the curtain,because explaining what exactly he was doing there was certainly not something he knew how to explain without sounding crazy.

'I'm sorry you feel like it's my fault you're where you are!I didn't force you to take this job,or this apartment,and I certainly didn't force you to be with me!' Mitch could hear the frustration and the anger in Jo's voice and couldn't help but feel sympathy for her.

'No,but I didn't choose it either!Do you think it's easy getting up everyday to a life you don't want,going to a job you hate,being in a relationship you don't '  
Scott's voice cut off because he realized he was about to say it out loud.Mitch's heart throbbed in pain and he felt so ashamed;it was not his place to be here,he wasn't supposed to hear all of this.Kirstie was right,he should've let it go.He should've distanced himself a long time ago,but instead he kept coming back for more,and now he was about to become the reason for two people breaking up.

'You don't what,Scott?You don't want?Go ahead,say it.I know that's what you've always wanted to say.I know I'm not the real thing for you.I'm just for the show.' The girl spat back at him with anger,and Mitch could hear her inhale before talking again,this time in a sad,heartbreaking whisper.

'I know I'm the only one in love in this relationship.I've known for some time.'

Mitch gasped,but he was pretty sure neither of them noticed.Because the air was so loaded,and so heavy,just like before a thunderstorm.And Mitch wished to be anywhere but there,in the middle of one.He had no choice but to endure that silence along with them.What he heard next surprised him though.  
Scott kissed Jo.The sounds of their mouth coming together and drifting apart made Mitch sick to his stomach with sadness and jealousy and a general mixture of bad emotions.It didn't last for long: Scott stopped and sighed deeply,sounding frustrated and angry.'Why can't I just-Why can't I just do what's right and just love..you.'

Mitch didn't hear much after that.Just the sound of the door opening and closing.But then Jo started crying.

At first it was hushed,and mostly silent.But then her chest couldn't contain the sobs anymore,and now she was barely catching her breath,her face red from crying.Mitch shifted a little and closed his eyes,wishing he could un-hear everything.He felt so guilty and although Jo was clearly not his favorite person,she didn't deserve any of it.It was hard to bear hearing this seemingly perfect barrier she kept up crashing down.  
It took a few minutes for her breathing to steady and her sobs to stop.She eventually sighed deeply and stopped,simply sniffling from time to time.Mitch was waiting for her to leave any time now,so he could finally get out of this damn bathroom.

'It's ok Mitch,you can get out.'

She pulled the curtain and smiled sadly at him,running a hand through her now loose,messy hair.Mitch felt his face was about to melt off from how red with embarrassment it was.

'I'm so sorry,I hid in here and then you came in yelling and I couldn't ..' Mitch began ranting but had a hard time finding words,he just felt so bad.So he shut himself up.'It's ok.It's been like this for ages.'

'I'm sorry for what happened out there,I don't know what came into Kirstie.And we didn't -nothing happened,just so you know.He's just drunk and I'm ..' Mitch wasn't sure.He was certain Scott was going to kiss him if Kirstie hadn't interrupted them earlier.In the heat of the moment he wanted nothing more,but now,having just witnessed Jo breaking down,he knew it was wrong.Because Scott was drunk and not thinking clearly-but what excuse did he have?  
She waved her hand in a 'don't even bother' gesture.Jo looked down at her feet gathered under her and her eyes were filled with such sadness it surprised Mitch.Not only because she was usually confident,happy and sarcastic -Mitch's biggest enemy but also someone who he envied and kind of admired,but also because that sadness looked ..old.Like it had a home in her eyes,just as Scott's had in his.

'I'm not blind,you know.I've seen the way you look at him.And sometimes,when you're both distracted by each other,and he's too happy to even think about what he's doing for a second,he looks at you like that too.And his whole being just..shines,you know?It's like he's looking at the freaking sun.I'm absolutely sure he's never looked at me like that.'  
Mitch coughed and looked away,not knowing what to do with himself.

'I had no idea he was this miserable.And I love him' Jo added.

She met Mitch's stare and his heart felt like it just plunged into his stomach.

'..but so do you.'

/


	2. Chapter 2

Mitch found Scott crying his eyes out in the corner of the balcony,bent over the railing,staring out at the fugitive lights of the cars passing by under.Leaning on the back wall,the brunette stayed silent for a while;he wanted to let Scott get it all out.The mere sight of someone who he cared about so much,more than he was supposed to,crying with his head in his hands at 2 am,made him sick to his stomach; his head was replaying his conversation with Jo over and over again, -banging his head to the wall until he could feel blood didn't seem like such an awful idea in that moment.

Because he didn't see any way he could ever look Jo in the eye ever again.Because he knew what the right,rational thing to do was right now.Leave,and never set foot in this apartment ever again.Slowly stop replying to Scott's messages and just go home and bury all his feelings under a pile of pretense;deny he ever existed,erase all his messages,uncount the freckles in his eyes,forget the way he pronounces the vowels in his name.

But oh god how could he ever,when simply thinking about Scott pinning him to the kitchen cabinet earlier made every bone in his body liquid.He wasn't even sure when loving Scott for being his best friend folded into simply loving Scott,but it was there,most definitely,and a thing that he kept for himself for so long,hidden in stolen glances and hugs that lasted a few seconds too long was now a thing that felt wrong,a thing to be guilty about.Leaving was becoming more and more the right decision,but he knew he didn't have that kind of discipline.Him and Scott were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame.

Slowly,he took a few steps and took a seat next to Scott.There was nothing but silence,only silence and sharp coldness,and Mitch could feel it creeping up on him,but he refused to leave Scott alone there.He began to think the blonde didn't even know Mitch was next to him.

He looked so rugged,standing there,and Mitch wanted to wrap his arms around him and keep him warm and fix whatever was broken and clear him of all these 'promises' he was so scared of.That was until Scott raised his head and sniffled,looking out at the city lights.

'What am I doing,Mitch' His eyes were bloodshot from the alcohol but empty,an emptiness that scared Mitch.'I've made so many promises and commitments and now they are all pressing me,and I feel like I'm sinking under them.I had so many dreams-you and me,we were going to take over the world,you know?This job,this life,this isn't me.This is what my father wants,and I feel like I sold my soul.I should've just given it to you,to keep it for me.'

Those last words sent sparks of electricity shooting through the brunette.

'So,' Mitch's eyes lit up with excitement,as he took Scott's hands in his and looked him in the eye,his voice trembling but his tone fueled with passion.'So take it back.Leave all this bullshit,you can come live with me until we figure things out.You can't do this to yourself anymore'

'Mitch,I can't leave-' Scott said through his teeth,his eyes narrowed.

'No,listen to me.Scott,do you remember that summer when we were both ten and we rode our bicycles up a hill?We were so excited about it and when we got to the top we both looked at each other and held hands for a second.And then we started riding but halfway down the hill I realized I had no brakes. I was terrified,but I kept going because you were there next to me.When was the last time you felt like that,like you were going down a steep hill with no brakes?It breaks my heart knowing you deny yourself the remote possibility of feeling like that.Because that's how I feel every time I'm with you.'

He was left with nothing but silence from his parted lips.The only thing he could try to control now was his voice,because looking into Scott's eyes and having him look at him so shocked but with such fondness made him feel sick to his stomach but also incredibly warm.

There was nothing but eyes and words exchanged in silence,and Mitch felt his whole vibrate under the weight of how intensely Scott was looking at him.His features softened and for a second,the pain was gone.The blonde came closer,but his time Mitch didn't flinch away,his eyes flickering from his lips and back to those blue eyes,over and over,until there were only inches between them.

And then suddenly there was no space anymore,and Scott's lips were on his.His stiff arms loosened and wrapped around Scott's neck,who pulled him by the waist and into him.Their mouths came together and drifted apart in teasing motions,and Mitch felt dizzy,his skin burning under the touch of the blonde's hands on his waist,motioning little circles with his cold fingers.Mitch's hands traveled from his neck and up into his hair,tangled.It blew his mind-this was truly everything and definitely better than anything he could've imagined,their hips brushing together and their lungs almost out of air.His arms snaked around the taller boy's waist and they were now a wonderful mess of arms and lips and breaths,the blonde cupping his cheek with one of his hands in order to deepen the kiss.He loved the way Scot kept pulling him in and keeping him close,like he didn't want to let go.

Until he eventually did,and his expression left Mitch horrified,because he could read guilt in his eyes,and maybe even panic.

'No,I'm sorry,I can't-we can't do this' Scott backed away with little steps and dark clouds rose in his eyes-a storm,his throat closing up.Mitch stared back with piercing eyes,confused and hurt,and Scott couldn't even piece two coherent words together.

'This -this was a mistake.I can't,I'm sorry,I'm going to ruin everything,I made a promise' Now he looked everywhere but the brunette's eyes because his were welling with tears at an alarming rate and the emotions were taking over him.But to Mitch it made no sense,because it simply felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and then covered in mumbled,half spoken words.

'What are you talking about?You-you're the one that kissed me in the first place.You came onto me.I stayed quiet because of her,you were the one that-' Mitch was literally shaking with anger and sadness,and now his voice reached a yell.'What is this,inviting me here and pinning me against kitchen cabinets and kissing me on your balcony with your girlfriend in the other room and giving me hope and I can't believe I was ever in -'

'I think you should go.' Scott's voice wasn't loud,it was a mere whisper,it was just overcome with guilt.He looked down at the floor,because he was too scared to see what Mitch's eyes must've looked in that moment.'You know what,Scott?Fuck you.'  
The balcony door vibrated when it closed with a loud bang.Scott exhaled heavily,knowing too well this wasn't just one of their fights.It would take more than a few days of not talking.In fact,he wasn't sure Mitch would ever talk to him again.Not that Scott blamed him.Instead,maybe it was better for him,for Mitch's sanity.

But it still hurt,a lot.Maybe too much to bear.His lips still burned from their kiss and now he had to figure out how the hell was he supposed to endure all this .. without Mitch.  
/

It was late at night when Mitch wasted his sleep once again by counting all the reasons this was wrong,which he did more often than he should.

During all this he realized that he would sometimes catch himself watching Scott talk without listening,just staring at him with a vague smile on his lips,nodding from time to time to reassure him he was paying attention (which obviously,he didn't.  
And that was just because he was too busy noticing the way his eyes widened when he was asking a question or the way his smiles started in a slight smirk and was a bit crooked, the way goosebumps erupted on his skin whenever the blonde would place his hand on his arm while talking or the way his voice was harsh in the morning but had depth late at night.

And that's why he knew letting go of his feelings would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do.Two days had passed since the party,and all he achieved during the lack of sleep was this -he had to let go.It was going to hurt,but feelings like that were meant to be complicated,they were meant to be ripped out of your own chest,not gently blown away.  
Lying in his bed,he groaned loudly when he heard his phone go off.It was the middle of the night,for Christ's sake.He rolled on his side and grabbed his phone.He immediately regretted that decision and had the urge to throw it across the room and smash it to pieces.

From : Scott

My biggest fear is losing you.Please don't ever make me face that fear.You have absolutely no idea how much you mean to me.

'You blimmering idiot' Mitch murmured and sniffled,locking his phone.'I fucking love you,you twat.' He added and closed his eyes,groaning once again.He hated mixed signals,and he hated being messed with.He hated double-meaning conversations and walking around in the dark,trying to understand what people wanted from him.But he loved him,and that was all his fault.  
He remembered what Kirstie once told him.'Take pride in the fact that even though the rest of the world may disagree,you still believe it to be a beautiful place.' and all he could think was 'Well of course they would disagree,they haven't met Scott yet.'  
And that's when he realized just how bad and confusing things ought to become,and how there was no saving himself off the sinking ship at that point.

He'd have to go overboard.

To : Scott

Stop it.You know bloody well what you're doing.Stop trying to guilt me into this.

Mitch threw his phone on the nightstand ,hiding under the covers.The night dragged itself endlessly,lacking it's usual serenity.It was silent,but it wasn't calm;Mitch's heart was pounding so rapidly,like it wanted out.Covering his chest with his tiny livid hands,he tried his best to calm his breathing and talk some sense into himself.

'Breathe.Don't forget he sent you away.You stopped loving him.You're in love with a product of your imagination.You stopped,now breathe and move on.Stop missing him so much'

________________

Two weeks had passed.It had been 5 days since the last text Scott sent him,and 3 days since Kirstie last mentioned it.2 days since he stopped bursting into fits of spontaneous crying,and 1 day since he last played that night in his head,stumbling over each word.

Mitch didn't know how to deal with the intensity of his feelings,he didn't like being vulnerable to anyone or being manipulated.So the only thing he could come up was just ignoring the problem until it would eventually go away.

Naturally,it didn't.Because it was 1 am and his heartbeat skyrocketed yet again when a little notification came up on his phone,saying it was Scott.He fumbled with his hands for a few minutes,trying to ignore they were shaking and he'd lost all colour in his cheeks.He was debating whether actually checking the text would be a good idea.It would certainly not help with his sanity,that was for sure.  
He checked it,of course.And he knew instantly it wasn't one of his regular text,saying I miss you or How you've been? it was rushed and troubled and Mitch just knew something was wrong;the weaker part of him won and for the first time in weeks he replied to Scott's text.Typing a brief 'Come over' he threw a pillow over his head because Oh my god,what was he doing.

And it wasn't long until his doorbell rang and he got up,groaning,prepping his heart for the shock he'll probably experience seeing his best friend in two weeks.He opened the door and the two of them froze for a few minutes,just sitting in the tranquil silence.

Mitch quickly took in the state the blonde was in : glimmering eyes,red from crying.Empty look,livid face,messed up hair.He wanted so bad to reach over and brush it softly with his fingers - he couldn't,of course.So instead,he bit his lower lip and asked in a cautious,low voice:

'What's wrong,what happened?' Strange eyes met and all the air in Mitch's lungs rushed out.Scott returned his glance just for a split second,quickly fixating a point on the floor and staring at it,like he was afraid to even look Mitch in the eye.  
'She,uh,' His voice started as a whispered mumble,but continued in a flat tone that gave off exactly no feeling 'She cheated on me.'

Mitch was quite sure you could hear his heart plummet into his stomach.A thousand thoughts came rushing over him;'What happened,why would she do that to someone as incredible as Scott,how much did he actually love her if he is this broken about it,how could she,why was he here,why do I feel like throwing up,can he be mine now,probably not' and so on.

An incredibly warm wave washed over him and suddenly the world seemed so small and insignificant as oppose to how big and hollow Scott's eyes were.There was all this electricity in their skin and he felt his heart hum a song that sounded a lot like 'You belong to him,now go make it right' so when Mitch reached to cup Scott's cheek his fingers just seemed to fit so well .Mitch caught himself whispering 'It's alright,love,it's alright.It's gonna be ok.' 

Their hands tangled and Scott didn't object when Mitch pulled him in and closed the door behind them,knowing all too well that this boy owned him,with all his hushed words and toxic secrets,but especially with his blue,clear eyes.  
_________________________

How could he ever explain to Mitch everything that crashed in the last few hours,all the domino pieces that collapsed along with him,how could he describe the frustration,the anger and the disappointment spinning his head so violently he wanted to puke.There were no words said as Mitch sat him down on his couch and offered him a cup of tea.

He vaguely remember the warmth of Mitch's little hand tangled with his and the steam of the tea not even coming close to it.There was only silence at first because gathering words to describe his girlfriend cheating on him to his best friend was pretty hard when there was so much guilt weighing down on him,considering what a dick he'd been and how they barely talked.  
But he tried his best,and in rushed words and with little eye contact he described terrible fights for nights on end and sleeping on the couch and feeling like the lowest person on the planet when he heard Jo crying from the other room.He described them shouting awful,heart-wrenching words to each other almost every night,until one of them would eventually start crying and leave the room.

They would blame each other for everything.Jo would blame Scott for making her fall in love with him and then treating her like she was a fault,an inconvenience in his life.Scott would mostly listen,but when his chest filled and it was too much he would yell back about her suffocating him and always blaming him for everything.  
In the morning Jo would step out of the bedroom,barefooted on the cold tiles and with dark,sleep-filled circles around her eyes and just hug Scott;she would whisper I love you,and he would say I love you too,and hold her a little tighter for a moment,and that would be it.

Mitch listened quietly.He flinched unconsciously whenever Scott would mention her name or 'I love you'.He sat on the other couch,with his legs tucked under him;the light clinged to his every feature and he looked so serene and calm,his face completely blank - Scott thought he was beautiful,and he couldn't help but obsess over his soft,parted lips and his long fingers on the cup of tea,of whom he was so jealous at that moment.

Eventually he got to that night,when he came over earlier from work,in oh so-cliche scenery,and he caught her with someone else.He didn't remember much about him,just that he was probably also model and he was using his shower.

Jo didn't say much-it was like she wanted him to catch her,so he didn't say much either.He kept desperately looking for an explanation from her,begging her quietly to tell him this was all a big prank,but that didn't happen.Jo kept repeating 'I didn't mean it;I'm sorry' and she cried silently,the tears making her big,beautiful eyes even brighter.Scott replied with 'You're only sorry I caught you,if that.' and then left.

Mitch sighed deeply and stayed quiet for a while.He wasn't sure why Scott was here.On one hand,he wanted to kill Jo - although this was wrong and they were both obviously miserable,cheating wasn't going to solve their problems.He couldn't put it together -they always fought,he apparently didn't love her,and she cheated,so why were they still together?Was this some sort of sick joke?He couldn't help but think how this gave him yet again what was bound to be false hope,hope that kiss meant more than it did,because it certainly felt realer than everything he had ever felt.That was until Scott came back to reality and stopped it,of course.

He coughed and replied in a cautious tone,longing for a day standing so close to him,talking about his relationship and his girlfriend would hurt less,because right now it did.A lot.

'Are you here because you want me to tell you to forgive her?Or go back to her?Because you know I won't.'

Scott opened his mouth to say something,but gave up halfway through.He shifted anxiously in his seat and waited for Mitch to continue.The brunette got up from his seat and walked to the bar.He rested his palms on the cold surface and looked up. 'What I will tell you is that you should do whatever your heart tells you to.Because God knows I don't understand your relationship,but if this is what feel right,do it, fight..for her.Do what's right.'  
Mitch basically had to pull the last words out of himself.He cut his tongue on every single one of them and a cold chill traveled up his spine.He couldn't believe he was telling the person he was in love with to go back to his girlfriend.But this person was his best friend,despite all the awful things he made him feel,and this was the right thing to do.Even if it felt like knives in his stomach and rocks on his chest.

He closed his eyes,trying his best not to start crying right there and then,trying not to collapse on the floor from how dizzy he was,trying not to let the ringing in his ears deafen him.And when he opened his eyes again,he saw Scott standing in front of him,slowly closing the space between them.

'Scott,what-what are you doing?' Mitch stuttered in a whisper as he kept his head low. 'I'm doing what feels right.' the blonde replied as he wrapped his hands around Mitch's little waist.The brunette helplessly burried his face in his best friend's chest,sulking in his warmth.His smell was toxic and it went straight to his head,strong like a hard liquor.  
'I can't seem to stay away from you.It's like-I know you're not good for me,but I need you nonetheless,and it's infuriating.' Mitch mumbled against him,in a moment of ridiculous bravery.  
'I need you too.' Scott whispered.  
' Mitch,look up.'   
Breathing in and out,he tried his best not to hyperventilate.They were so close,he could almost taste him on his tongue,and feel him sting his fingertips.Those hands on his waist were all kinds of wonderful,but he just felt paralyzed with fear.  
'I can't.You know I can't.'  
'Please,just look at me.'

So Mitch looked at him,and he looked back,with his incredible blue eyes.And that was all it took for the blonde to close the space between them and finally kiss him,pulling him closer,with no caution,desperate,like this kiss was the first breath of air after hours spent under water,like his life depended on it.And Mitch's heart swelled with surprise and love-not only because they were kissing just like in every dream he had,but because this time,Scott didn't pull back .

And Mitch kisses him like there's no tomorrow,he raises himself on his toes and pulls him in closer and just kisses him again and again,and loses himself in what feels like everyhthing he'd dreamed of since forever ago.

And for a minute he forgets all that is wrong and weighs down on this moment,and just lets himself be surprised over how wonderful this feels,how right and natural.His heart swells at the thought that Scott will soon realize once again that it's wrong and probably run away,but for now they kiss and kiss and when they come up for air they can feel eachother smiling fondly against each other's lips.They are both heavily breathing,and Scott is still holding on tight to Mitch,with his hands wrapped around his waist.They look eachother in the eye and Mitch is painfully ready for that 'I need to go' or 'This isn't right.'

Instead he sees Scott tilting his head and biting his bottom lip. Mitch's eyes light up when the blonde sighs and doesn't give any sign of leaving,he just breaths out a hushed 'Wow.'

'I know.' Mitch replies and he smiles playfully because not everything has to be depressing and dark,they can take things lightly too.He doesn't know where they are and what they are doing,he just knows the person he's been in love with since forever ago kissed him back.

That feeling of floating doesn't last as long as he wished it did,because soon enough Mitch can't really look back at Scott,who's oblivious to his demons who won't seem to give him a rest;they keep asking questions,about what does this mean and how does he feel ;they keep replaying in his mind that horrid picture of Jo crying her eyes out and telling him she loves Scott too,not too many days ago.

So Mitch decides to take the plunge and after clearing his throat,ask cautiously.

'So,uh.How do you think she will feel about this?'

And suddenly it's freezing cold in the entire room and their hands aren't touching anymore,and his fingers are shaking.The blonde flinches and glances back with the eyes of a someone who's just been beaten with a stick. 'Who are you talking about?'

'Jo.Aren't you going to tell her about all this?'

Mitch's own words echo in his head an bounce of the walls,tearing them down.He can't look Scott in the eye,because he knows what he will find there :hesitation.It would hurt far too much for him to bear seeing,like his words had thorns he'd bled on.

'No,Mitch,I'm not ..I can't,I'm sorry.' And Mitch knows he deserves more than empty words and stale affection,he knows he should have more than weary feeling and unsure glances,but he can't help but want to shout 'love me,love me,love me' at the top of his lungs,as if he's not already that screaming those words silently,with every fibre in his body.He closes his eyes because he doesn't want Scott's words to ruin the most precious memory he has,but the words keep crashing over him like waves 'This wasn't suppose to happen,I apologies for not being able to tell you why,or how,but I just can't tell her anything.I,Mitch,I .. I just can't.'  
The brunette runs his hands through his hair in frustrations and bites back with his loud words that have sharp edges he's already cut himself on  
'Sometimes it snows in April,sometimes there's warm weather in the middle of December.Things that aren't suppose to happen,happen,Scott.That doesn't stop them,no matter how hard you deny them.'

Mitch stepped closer and took Scott's hand in his.His eyes were glazed with tears;deep inside,his heart was pounding faster and faster,while his mind was telling him to run,run and never come back,but ignorance is bliss.'I'm jealous,Scott.I'm jealous of the way she gets to run up to you and kiss you whenever.I'm jealous when she gets to trace her fingers through your hair,or call you babe,or make you laugh.And you can act all you want,but I know you don't love her like she loves you,maybe not even a little.'Mitch took a deep breath and continued 'Tell me this is wrong,and I'll go.Just one word.'

They were so close that Scott could feel Mitch's breath tingle his skin.As for him,he wasn't even breathing.'Tell me this doesn't feel right.'Mitch leaned down and kissed his neck,right next to his pulse ,sucking lightly on it.Scott didn't dare to move ever so slightly, trying to contain his emotions.

'Or this.' the brunette continued,kissing his jaw line,softly,like a breath of fresh air quickly leaving his skin.'Or this.' Their lips came together as one again,but this time they didn't crash,Mitch simply reminded him of his feelings,and the blonde lingered a bit by gently grabbing Mitch's face and deepening the kiss.'Say the word and I'll go,love.But you can't fool me.' Mitch ended by looking up at Scott.

His eyes were clear now,no storms,just light and hope and maybe even a bit of madness;Scott grabbed desperately on to Mitch's face,to his body,his arms tangling around him,his whole body a mess.'You want this.' Mitch murmured,but didn't stop him.He knew it was all wrong,but he let his bestfriend do whatever his broken mind and heart wanted - he kept kissing back even when they were backing away to his bedroom door.'Just say it.Say it already.' the brunette repeated like a hungry prayer,desperate for the acknowledgement that he wasn't the only one having his whole world turned upside down.

Scott's hands slid down his waist and brought him up - Mitch had his legs wrapped around Scott's waist and it felt all kinds of wonderful but also all kinds of wrong.It was,after all,cheating.His breath was hot and he could barely handle Scott's teasing kisses.He tilted his head back and looked him dead in the eye -so intensly he felt his look was going to burn his eyes.

Scott sighed,but eventually looked down and bit his lip,breathing heavily.'I want you' was all he managed to come up with,but for Mitch it was enough.Enough to know it wasn't all in his head.He lowered his hands,slowly,because they felt cold against the blonde's skin and he could feel him getting goosebumps,although he hoped it was because of him.They slid under his shirt and then down,down until Scott silenced a moan,and down until his response was satisfying enough for him.

'Fuck,Mitch.Stop.'

The brunette could tell by his eyes he didn;t really want him to stop -he bit his lip gently,just to let him know he was there.He spoke between kisses,slowly,just to make sure of his intentions - 'Do you really want me to.'

Suddenly they were lying on Mitch;s bed and he was climbing on top of his bestfriend,and clothes were flying everywhere.Chills travelled down his spine-slowly and painfully,making him get the full effect of havinf Scott's body move against his.Simply wanting him so bad wasn' t enough-he wanted to know it,to feel it.'No,I don't.Don't stop.'  
Those simple words were enough for Mitch.He felt himself melt under the touch of Scott, because he held him like it was the only thing he'd ever knew how to do,the only thing he'd ever wanted to do.He didn't know if this was what love felt like -but Scott's name was always in his mind,in his mouth,in his veins.The thought of him echoed through his every bone and he could hear it with every touch of his fingertips,with every whisper Scott let out.It was wonderful,but it was so painful.So seductively painful.

So Mitch lost himself in Scott,and for a while,he just forgot.He forgot he is in love with his bestfriend,he forgot his bestfriend has a girlfriend.He just forgot.And lost himself in Scott.

______________

Scott lays still a few hours after in Mitch's bed.His mind is fogged and the memory of the best nigh of his life is darkened by a distinctive kind of pain and guilt.He doesn't regret anything,anything but 5 words,words that might've ruined his friendship for life,words that will eat at his heart forever from now on,words said in the heat of the moment - words that seemed to make Mitch so happy,it crushed him to take them back : 'I'll break up with her'

What Mitch didn't know was that he couldn't.It wasn't that he didn't want to,it wasn't that he wasn't brave enough to.He just couldn't. He had signed a contract,an actual,physical contract,that would ruin his life and potentially crush Mitch's heart.He was obliged not to break up with Jo,or else he'd lose everything.His firm,his career,his life- everything.

But Mitch couldn't know that.

/

Mitch had always hated going to events with Scott and Jo.Seeing them together was painful enough - but when it was in public,at a fancy event,his pain level rose to a 'I need to get extremely drunk' kind of pain.Mitch was standing in the corner of a pretentious art gallery,glass of champagne glued to his hand,his eyes vigilant in following Scott everywhere he went without looking like a well-dressed tiny stalker.  
Not much time had passed since Scott came over to his house that night.However it felt like ages ago -perhaps because of how much the energy between them had shifted.

One minute they were themselves-Scott and Mitch,best friends,a lawky,slightly-awkward but successful blonde with a model girlfriend and a tiny,gay man who wore a lot of black and constantly made heart-eyes at his best friend,disregarding how inappropriate it was.It was simple (from the outside) and effortless,and it lacked complication ( if you were to ignore they way they looked at each other when the other one was oblivious)

And now they were Scott and Mitch,too attracted to each other to be just friends,too full of complications to be lovers,but too emotionally fond of each other to be friends with benefits.They were something,something that allowed them to make out every chance they got and to exchange knowing looks and hugs that were too tight and lasted a bit too long.

Mitch continued to love Scott fiercely,like his life depended on it,and now his heart was torn apart in two direction -on one hand,his affection grew immensely every day as he got to hold Scott's hand and observe how their bodies fitted together perfectly,and he never wanted anything to change -he was content.On the other hands having to hide his feelings on a daily basis and abstain himself from whispering or maybe shouting from the rooftops about how in love he was with the blonde and about all the way he made him feel was getting harder and harder,to the point where he couldn't catch his breath and instead caught Scott's,kissing him for the hundred'th time.

He went from agony to bliss in matter of seconds -one minute he could swear he saw the same feelings mirrored in Scott's eyes, maybe in his touches too,and in his voice;but then he'd turn around and casually kiss Jo and maybe make a work call after ;Mitch's heart would deflate like a balloon -a sad,pathetic balloon,in his opinion.  
His jealousy was now worse than ever -he was trying his best not to hate her,because she wasn't at fault in that situation,but simply seeing them next to each other made him want to smash something or put his head inside an oven.

He was the one that didn't add up in their life - they had it all:money,influence,a relationship everyone worshiped,they were both drop-dead gorgeous,so to say Mitch felt inadequate was an understatement;his heart throbbed and his voice of ration kept screaming run,run,run.  
That's exactly how he felt that night.They both looked amazing,and most importantly-they looked amazing together,so Mitch stood awkwardly in a corner,trying to get a buzz from some expensive,pink champagne and wishing he had asked Kirstie to come along.

So wrapped up in his own scenarios and imagining all the ways Scott could react to him confessing his love,Mitch couldn't notice how dead Scott's eyes were as he paraded himself around and socialized 'for the good of the firm'

He was polite to everyone and smiled nicely when people said things like 'You are the perfect couple,I swear' but he was distant;all he really wanted was to go wrap his arms around Mitch and kiss his forehead,and ask what was wrong,why was he fidgeting with his hands again and why were his eyes so incredibly sad,all the time.  
He just finished doing his little act,the one he was so used to doing at every social event they went to.The pictures,the fond eyes,calling Jo things like sweetheart and holding her purse-everything went smooth until Scott noticed the brunette wasn't where he left him anymore.

Scott found Mitch outside the gallery,on the cold steps.He wasn't playing on his phone or humming quietly like he did.His head was low and he was fidgeting with his fingers,again and again.'What's wrong?'

Scott's voice came out lacking any emotion,which he didn't quite intend;he was genuinely worried about his .. whatever they were.'Other half' sounded fitting.He stood next to him in silence,waiting for his response.His skin burned,eager to comfort him,grab his hand and run away from all his responsibilities.  
'You two really do look good together,you know.She's gorgeous,and every man in that room is green with envy.You have your shit together and look like it,too.Everything on you costs more than what I make in 5 years,and when you walk with her people actually have to get out of the way because of all the photographers following you.So..what am I doing here,Scott?Hm?Where do I fit in in all of this?'

'You fit in with me.You mean everything to me,and without you I'd go insane.'Scott took both of the brunette's hands in his.'So don't give up on me just yet.Please be patient.For me.'

Mitch's eyes were glazed with tears.

'Scott,I , ..'

He stuttered.For a second there,he was going to do it.He was going to say 'I love you' and then,based on his reaction,stay or leave.The words traveled in his bloods for months now,they bloomed in his lungs and burned his fingertips.They gathered above him like dark storm clouds - he was ready to speak,when he realized this was too personal for him to give up out of frustration.So he settled.

'I'd be lying if I said getting away from you would make it easier.I'd be lying if I said I could find someone else who'd make me feel like you do.But I'm not lying when I say - it's either her,or me.Make up your mind before I take a decision for the both of us.'

Mitch walked away with his mind yelling 'Choose me,choose me,please' .And for a second,he was almost sure Scott could hear him.

__________________________

Later that night,Mitch was woken up by the annoying buzz of his phone.Before he got a chance to get mad and yell at her,he noticed Kirstie started frantically texting him and sending him links to various articles on celebrity gossip sites.He wondered what could be so important that Kirstie decided to express her feelings only using exclamation points and shocked emojis.

But then he just clicked the links,which left him with his mouth opened 'What the-'

SHOCKING True or false?Read further to find out about the newest scandal involving supermodel Josephina 'Jo' 's boyfriend and a mysterious man - could this affair mean the end of her and Scott Hoying's relationship? See pictures here

READ NOW! Gay rumours sparked regarding Josephina's boyfriends,Scott Hoying - is the model just his beard?What does this mean for her career?Find out more ..

Mitch felt like throwing up.His hands were shaking as he read further and further.Basically,these sites built an entire story off of a few photos of them hanging out alone and looking particularly friendly.They quoted false sources and so-called 'friends of the supermodel's ' Although this didn't hurt him directly,he knew it would have disastrous effect on Scott,particularly on his relationship with his father.And probably on Jo's reputation too.He felt overall bad and once again,he asked himself why did he let himself get involved in all this.Why did he let himself fall with someone so unattainable.

________________________

'Do you have any idea what this means?'

It didn't really matter if his father's voice could be heard in all the offices surrounding them.Everyone went home hours ago,and now it was just the two of them:Scott sat at the table,looking down,and his dad standing up,yelling at him for what felt like and hour,listing all the reasons Scott was a) going to burn in hell b) ruining all his hard work c) extremely irresponsible and 'clearly not a man'.The list went on and on,and Scott mainly tried to block it,but some seeped through.It was,after all,his fault.Not Jo's,not Mitch's,his and only his.

'What am I going to do now,huh?Do you think this is the kind of image I want for the future CEO of our firm?If you think you're getting off so easy,you're wrong.Because you signed a contract.'

The man waved a few papers in front of his eyes and then slammed them on the table in front of him.Those few written words were going to haunt his dreams.Silence fell over them for a few minutes,but Scott knew this was just his father,trying to think of a solution he saw fit.It was like the calm of the air before an explosion.

'There's only way we can stop these idiots from writing more about this.We'll have to give them a wedding.' he concluded,after a deep sigh.

'But dad,I-'

'No.'His voice was cold,but sure.It didn't leave room for bargaining.'If you ever want to see a penny from this firm,or your siblings,you're marrying this girl and that's it.End of discussion.'


	3. Chapter 3

"Baby,stay with mee,cause you're alll I neeed"

Mitch could hear Scott through the closed door and he could tell by his singing that he was drunk off his face.He heard him trip and swear,and then continue singing until collapsing against his door on the floor with a loud thud.He didn't bother to get up and knock,of course.Mitch was up because he knew Scott would inevitably come to him after facing his father.  
"No this ain't love,it clear to seee,but darling,stay with meee"

Mitch sighed deeply."Shut up you lunatic,you're going to wake up my neighbours." He sat down on the other side of the door,unable to face him just yet. There was a vast silence that sat heavily on them,and the darkness surrounded them.Mitch concentrated on Scott's breath-in and out,again and again,like a beautiful,monotone melody that kept him sane.With each pulse he grew more and more in love,unwilling to admit it but too affected to hide it.  
"C'mon,tell me.What did he say?"

Scott let out a loud laughter that made Mitch smile.He really was drunk,after all.  
"What could father dear say?That he wished I was never born,that he despised me and everything my gay ass stood for?He also told me about how I was a disappointment,bringing shame on his family.You know,just the usual." The brunette sunk into sorrow when Scott finished talking-his tone indicated he was joking,but he knew it was all true and it all weighed on him greatly,and he got himself drunk in order to prevent actually feeling the last few hours.

"Won't you,stay with me.Cause you're.. all I need." He sang softly,lower and lower,until his voice turned into a whisper and the whisper floated in the air and through Mitch."Sing to me,Mitch."

So the brunette started singing,just a quiet hum at first,one that developed into his beautiful voice flowing through the building.It was soft and soothing,and it sounded like everything Scott had ever loved,like the warmth that lingers after a hot summer day,or the very first crickets on a starry night.  
"Could you see,that I am yours?So will you be..my life support?  
You're my life support,love,you're my life support .. "

Mitch had his eyes closed as he sang with all his heart,wishing on every star and penny and even God,if there was one,to make Scott understand the extent of his feeling simply through his choice of melody.And as he stood there,eyes closed shut,he heard the door open and he could see in the dim light Scott looking at him,curiously,like it was the first time he'd ever seen him.

The light above him switched off but Mitch could still feel the burn of his eyes,a look filled with vulnerability,like a soft cry for help,yet so dark his eyes almost faded in the background of the night.

Suddenly,Scot lunched forward and grabbed onto Mitch so tight,he thought his bones were going to shatter.And he just kissed him,kissed like he was going to drift away right there and then,held on to him for dear life,like Mitch was the last remaining source of oxygen on this planet-so Mitch lost himself in this unexpected burst of passion,and got caught up in the idea of love itself.  
They tumbled over and Mitch giggled,but Scott ignored it and continued to kiss him,drifting together and then apart,softly and then passionately again,and for the first time Mitch couldn't deny that in all this Scott must have some feelings for him,if not a simple crush at least a simple,undeniable attraction.  
Mitch caches his breath for a second and lays his head on Scott's chest,breathing in his scent.They must look like a crazy mess,lying in a doorway,in the dark.He knows they should get up,but it's so warm and safe there,and Scott's chest feels like home a lot,so he lingers a bit,because he can sense him wanting to speak up about something.And he is not wrong.

"I'm scared,Mitch.I'm not scared because I could lose everything,I'm not even scared of my father,who could literally make me homeless in the blink of an eye.I'm scared of you,or rather,of how much I know about you.I know every little thing about you - I've memorized the way you throw your head back and laugh when I say something stupid,the way you clap a hand over your mouth when you think your smile is too wide and goofy -it never is,it always makes me smile,too.I know how you think and I know how to touch you so our bodies harmonize-I look at you and my heart just bursts,you know?Because on the tip of my tongue sit a million things I could say about you.I'm not sure what this all means,and I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out.But you're always on my mind,always.And that scares me."

Mitch sighed and clutched onto him.Nothing until this moment added up,everything else felt refined and bland and unimportant.'This is it' his head screamed.'Tell him,tell him you love him'

But he was stuck,frozen in that wonderfully warm place,and he struggled to breath in and out as this exhilarating feeling rushed through him,hot in his veins,making his head dizzy,like the strongest liquor.'Say it,say it already' his inner voice yelled and yelled,but his lips didn't bother speaking,instead crashing against Scott's to provide some sort of a reply to all these wonderful words.Scott was confused,and so was Mitch.But not about them -he had been sure about them for years now.

"Mitch,I- " Scott drew back,trying to catch his breath.He stood up and leaned against the wall,leaving Mitch startled and cold."I need to tell you something."  
Mitch drew back,ready for his fantasy to burst.He nodded,with glazed eyes,and just hoped for the best."Go on."  
"I- he's,uh,he's making me ..marry her.I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner,I just."

But Scott stopped talking as Mitch processed his words.Marry.He was marrying her.His fantasy was a fantasy after all.The person he was in love with was getting married to someone else.He didn't say a word,too shocked to even begin forming sentences.But Scott continued talking,desperately trying to fill the silence and to resolve his guilt.

"It's not my choice,he gave me an ultimatum.It's either this or he throws me out and I never get to see my little brothers again.You know how he is about them - he could make sure I don't see them until they are both 30.I'm so sorry,I hope you -I hope we will remain best friends.It's not like we were anything in the first place,we could just go back and-"  
Scott shut himself up,realizing he might've gone too far."You're really doing all this?"The blonde couldn't even look up at him."Yes,Mitch,I am.I have to."

Mitch suddenly got up from his spot on the floor."I think I'm going to throw up." 

He ran to the bathroom and violently threw up,his knees shaking on the cold tiles.His hands were freezing on the porcelain of the sink as he rinsed his mouth -it was too much,way too fast.The articles,then Scott telling him he thought about Mitch all the time,and now that he was suddenly marrying.It felt surreal,like his worst nightmare coming to life,in just the span of one night."It's not like we were anything in the first place"  
The word ringed in his head again and again,violently."We can always go back" - the hell we can,Mitch thought.Maybe he could,but not Mitch.His heart thumped at the thought of how close he was to saying I love you.That would've made it so much harder,so it was fortunate he chose to keep his feelings hidden,only for himself to wallow in -there was definitely no going back after that.He heard a light knock on the door.

"Are you ok?I feel awful for doing this to you."

"No-I'm okay.I think I'm just coming down to something.Don't worry about it,just go to sleep.You can take my bed."

Scott tried to get him to talk a few more times,but it was hopeless.All he got was silence,and the occasional sigh that seemed to mask something far worse.After an hour of sitting by the door,waiting for a sign of him getting out to talk,Scott finally collapsed in his bed ,fully dressed,and fell into a deep sleep.  
Mitch sat on the cold floor all night,trying to get the feeling to rip out of him,trying to cut all the binds,just trying,trying,trying,all in vain.Something ripped in him,not eager to heal too soon.

When he finally came out in the morning,he found Scott making coffee in his kitchen and smiling sweetly.

Mitch's eyes were red and his hands were shaking after not sleeping all night.When he gathered some strenght that formed a forced smile,the first words he managed to put together were  
"So,you're getting married,huh?I hope it works out."

Mitch simply sat down and drank his coffee,and the way his face was completely blank as he did so scared the crap out of Scott.His shaky hands gave him out,but Scott didn't say anything.He didn't dare to.If anyone was to look at Mitch,look past the fake smile and the dark eyes,he would've discovered the underlining of a dead inside and a good-for-nothing heart,a chest lacking pulses and a person lacking what was once light and filled with love.  
But he was supposed to be happy,right?Happy to see the love of his life slip away through his fingers .Happy.

/  
"..and this is a 10 000 dollars Armani suit from our new collection.We can also look for something matching for your groomsmen if you like this one.Would you like to try it on?"

"Yeah,I guess so."

Scott nodded absentmindedly and got up ,following the saleswoman-Mitch sighed with relief .He was unconsciously holding his breath all this time.He continued to stare at the wall in front of him,thinking.He wasn't sure why he agreed to this,going shopping with Scott for his wedding.Yet again,it was hard for him to justify a lot of the things he did for Scott.

He didn't know how the last few weeks passed by.Strangely,life went on even after it felt like it split in two,that night.Mitch continued to go to classes,and Scott to work.Kirstie kept having coffee with him when Scott was too busy.Mitch and Jo continued to bicker,only this time Jo did it fondly and often looked at him with something resembling pity.The glimmer in her eyes was unmistakable.She said it was awful for her too,but deep down Mitch knew she was happy:she was marrying the man she loved,after all,regardless of the consequences.

The minute Scott left his house that morning,he got up from his bed and decided to block everything out.His walls were built up once again,taller than ever.He smiled whenever Kirstie asked if he was fine.He had to be,for Scott.He helped Jo with all the wedding planning and bit his tongue whenever a confession was about to pour out of him.He clenched his teeth so hard his jaw started to hurt.He swallowed back tears,and added a few laughs too.All in the hopes that Scott would believe he was truly over and done with it.His goal was to reassure him this marriage was ultimately the best thing for him and the firm.Mitch was ready to stand by him at the altar,even if it meant dying a little inside.Ok,maybe more than just a little.

"So tell me,do I look stupid in this ,because I'm honestly thinking about dressing in jeans and a tshirt."

Scott had big,deer eyes when he looked at Mitch.He felt gawky and awkward in such a fancy tuxedo,and everything felt tight and awful.Much like his life.  
Mitch gasped a little and almost licked his lips,showing a smug smile.Scot didn't look stupid,not even a little.In fact,he knew that if he were to grab him by his tie and whisper in his ear all the thing he wanted to do to him while in that suit,he would go red instantly.Mitch had to pretend his pupils weren't dilated and instead try and sound casual.

"You don't.You look..amazing.Yeah,that's the word."Mitch briefly looked him in the eye,and Scott's heart broke yet again.

"You two will make a wonderful couple."

Mitch whispered,and then he said nothing more,no words,just breathing,with tears in his eyes.He looked down and said nothing.  
He was realizing once again he was in no way 'over and done' with it.As much as he liked to block it out,his heart was breaking,and it wasn't a one time,painful for a second and then calm for an eternity kind of snap,it was continuous and awful,and it happened at different levels of pain each time Scott looked at him,each time he saw him with Jo,each time he read a new article on the 'incredibly luxurious flower arrangements the Hoying's chose for their wedding ' . 

Scott sighed and pulled Mitch into him,clear,fond eyes,tangling arms and everything.He softly raised his chin so the brunette would look at him with his tear-filled eyes.  
Scott leaned in and kissed him,gently at first but then passionately all at once,and Mitch lost his words somewhere between the way Scott looked at him and the moment their lips first touched.It wasn't until Scott whispered "See,this is why I can't marry her." into their kiss that Mitch had to draw back because he was crying so hard.

He tried so hard to keep it together,but everytime he wanted to breath in and calm he just ended up sobbing even harder into Scott's shirt.He wanted to be able to leave so bad,but he couldn't;he just ended up back here,in his arms.Scott hung on to him,trying to calm his heavy sighs,but it didn't help.  
Mitch looked up at him and for the first time,he was the one that kissed Scott-quickly,barely even there,but a kiss none the less,sweet and filled with regrets.Scott clutched on to him,but to no avail- the brunette let go and left the room suddenly,without looking back.

___________

"Hey,this is Scott.I'm not here right now,so leave a message after the tone.Bye."

"Hey,Scott.I'm calling tonight to tell you that I love you and I forgive you.I'm glad I got to share a part of my life with you and that I was lucky to have loved someone like you.I'm calling to tell you I'm letting go.I hope you're happy,and I hope you find only light ahead.I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stick around and watch all of that happen.Sometimes you're not lucky enough to have the people you love,love you back-but that doesn't make it any less real.And it's okay,it will-I will be okay.Not now but,you know ..eventually."

Mitch woke up and sighed.It hurt to even open his eyes and face reality.He had to do it.It had been too long.

___________

"Hey this is Scott.I'm not here right now,so leave a message after the tone.Bye"

"Hey,Scott,hey .. I'm calling to -"

"Hei,whats'up.Sorry,I had to get out of a meeting so I could take this.What were you going to say"

"uh -"

"Hello?Mitch?"

"..."

____________

" ..no,listen to me,Mitch!Dammit,it's already so hard for me.I'm about to sacrifice everything and tie my life up because of my father and this fucking firm,and I just -I just can't go through this without you!Please Mitch, I can't do this without my best friend."

"We're not friends!"

His high voice raised to a shriek that pierced the room.Mitch confronted him bravely,staring him in the eye.He hid his trembling hands behind his back and prayed to God his voice wouldn't crack because he felt his eyes swell up with tears,once again.Scott was afraid to utter anything more than a soft whisper.  
"What do you-why aren't we friends."

"Because I love you,that's why." The words stumbled out of him and into the thin air,disturbing the balance of everything they knew.For Mitch it meant everything,but Scott couldn't quite put it together,so once again,he spoke in a timid whisper.

"Well,Mitch,I love you too,but-"

That was enough to get Mitch infuriated again.

"No,you idiot,you don't get it -I'm in love with you! And I have been,for so long now I can't even remember.I'm continuously,tremendously in love with you,and it's all the time,and it hurts so bad I can barely be around you.Because everytime I see you,I'm reminded by your everything that I can't have you.Sometimes you just smile or laugh at something I said and I just think -fuck,what am I going to do,how am I going to survive loving someone so much and seeing them getting married?

So you want to talk about not being able to do this?" He waved his arms in order to point at the mess that was this room,not necessarily appearance wise,but emotionally.He meant to wave at the tuxedo that hung from Scott''s closet and the invitations stacked on his desk.

"Mitch,I-"

"No,Scott.At the end of the day,you will go home to your wife,and in time,you will love her simply because she loves you,and you will grow old and learn how to be happy,and I will become just a contact in your phonebook.I can't keep being your friend.I don't think I can survive it."  
Only now Mitch realized he had been crying this whole time.He was so consumed by his own words he didn't notice the tears that made his eyes red and worn out.He exhaled deeply,to get rid of the rest of the pressure that was now floating in the air and off of him,like a thousand weight getting freeing from his chest.

"I don't expect anything from you.You just deserved a good explanation for why you won't see me again after the wedding."  
/

There isn't much that can make Mitch smile these days.He walks through the crowded streets in a constant state of nothingness, enveloped in something of a peaceful numbness. Not quite a piercing sadness, but not his usual energetic self either. He used to light up a room when he walked in it, flail his arms and smile brightly and suddenly he had the heart of every person there, their attention at least, if not admiration. Now he was living more out of habit, instead of intent.

Mitch sighed as he wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck, thinking how the cold was suiting for his overall state. Numb inside and out, like a walking popsicle. Just great.

He was almost at Kirstie's apartment, and he was doing great, really, going on 3 days of not picking up his phone, writing a text and then erasing it, and also of not thinking too much of Scott, well, not too deeply anyway; erasing him completely would be impossible and required temporary amnesia. (Mitch was ready for a giant block of ice to fall on his head anytime now.He was willing to dive head first into the frozen lake in central park, actually.)  
However, his thoughts wandered, naturally,as they do.

They hadn't talked in 3 weeks. He knew it would be another 3 weeks until the wedding. They weren't friends anymore, not in their daily lives anyway- somehow, Mitch knew the blonde would be etched onto his heart forever, like a rusting part that's essential for it to work properly. He would have done anything for him, sacrifice any of the little he had. But he couldn't be friends with him.

The blame was on himself,of course. He was the one who went on and had let himself fall for someone so essential in his life; he should've told Scott about his feelings the second he registered they were there, and go on from his response. Before the stolen glances and the lingering touches turned into him feeling breathless one day, realizing how screwed he was. Before Jo came waltzing in their life, naturally, like her place had been there all this time,waiting for her. Certainly before that kiss, the one that never should've happened. What must've been simply acting on a whim for Scott had been a world turning on its axis for Mitch, a light that made him and everything around golden while it lasted.It had been a trap, a beautiful, awe inspiring trap. Knowing how Scott s lips felt against his,knowing the rhythm they would move in if Mitch was to close the distance between them.. That ruined Mitch for good, and now they couldn't be friends.

He knocked on Kirstie's door and waited. He wasn't going to cry, not now. He knew that every time he cried he was just mourning his friendship with Scott.  
Just then Kirstie opened the door, and gestured Mitch in. "Hi love , how you've been?'  
Mitch just shrugged and threw and apathetic 'fine'.  
Kirstie didn't buy it for a second ' I mean how you've been really feeling.'  
'Well, my best friend whom I'm in love with is getting married in 3 weeks.Other than that, can't complain. '  
He laughed quietly and walked in under Kirstie's concerned look. After all,he had to start from somewhere. Rock bottom sounded just fine.  
______________

3 days later, Kirstie manages to convince him getting over someone requires finding someone new, and so they go out. Mitch puts on his tightest pair of black jeans and fakes a smile. Surprisingly, lots of boys try and flirt with him, and by the time he finishes his third martini (not one of them bought by himself!) he's almost, almost having a nice time.It doesn't mean the pain isn't curling around his chest anymore, like a tangible wound ,but this time it's more like a smoke floating in lazy circles instead of cold, unforgiving shackles.

The alcohol clouds his thoughts, so for a while they sting less. Between exchanging small talk with hot strangers and losing himself in the booming bass of the club music, he vaguely remembers how it feels to be flirted with, to look at a person and know if you were to sleep with them it wouldn't mean a single thing tomorrow morning.  
At the end of the night, he goes home with a guy called Oliver and doesn't think anything about it;in the morning, instead of an awkward hello and a silent request to leave,he wakes up to the smell of pancakes.

Mitch decides this is a rather good thing, and with enthusiastic encouragements from Kirstie, Oliver sticks around.  
_____________

A week later, he wakes up in the middle of the night and his heart is racing out of his chest. He doesn't know if his body can sense it but a blinking green light on his phone tells him he has a new voicemail.  
When he reads it's from Scott his heart mimics a roller-coaster drop into his stomach, making him uncertain if it's beating too fast or not at all. It takes a while to convince his trembling hands to cooperate.  
The second of silence before the audio plays is the longest second of his life, and Mitch lives it like it's 5 years.  
In the end it turns out to be nothing more than a drunk mess of slurred words, but he still buries his head into his pillow at the sound of his voice floating around in the room. It sounds like taking a knife to a fresh wound and when at the end, the only words that come out clear enough to understand are ' I miss you so fucking much', Mitch feels the knife twist in once more.

He misses him too, so much, like his absence is taking the oxygen from his lungs, and he's very close to calling just to hear his voice, of showing up at his door and going back to it all. In the end, he manages to control himself.

He rolls over and hopes it turns out it was just a dream.  
The voicemail is still there in the morning.  
______________

The first time Mitch spends an entire day without thinking about him happens some time after.  
It hadn't necessarily been a goal of his.It was just a busy day: he had classes in the morning, he met with Kirstie for coffee in the afternoon. He'd usually go about his day and notice little things, like a song he knew Scott would like or a joke he'd laugh at. Somehow, that ceased to happen, and the time flew pass him, as he ran around stressing about upcoming exams and what to get Kirstie for her birthday.

Later that night Oliver showed up at his door with takeaway and wine, wearing a dopey smile Mitch just couldn't resist.

The thing was, figuring out what Oliver meant to him.. That was still work in progress. Since that night at the club they had talked all day through texts until eventually he asked Mitch on a date, and then another one,until they were seeing each other consistently. They knew all kinds of things about each other, like how Oliver's favorite band was The Smiths ( Scott liked The Fray), or how his dream job was being a veterinarian ( Scott said he liked his job, but Mitch knew he'd always wanted to be a singer), yet he never told him about Scott, at least nothing more than a passing 'he was a friend of mine'. The hurt must've shined through his eyes because he received a questioning look in return.Oliver didn't ask, and Mitch was more than grateful.

Oliver was the same age as Mitch and worked as an It specialist at a big firm. He was the kind of person that volunteered at the homeless center in his spare time. Kirstie loved him and they got along super well, he was optimistic and carefree, and the sex wasn't bad either.  
Overall, he was nice, and good to him, so kind and understanding Mitch often looked at him and felt his chest clench in pain because if they had met earlier, under different circumstances, he was sure he would already be head over heels for him. Which was yet one more reason to feel empty, knowing the potential hurt he was causing by being in a relationship with one foot out the door. Well,not quite a relationship. Yet.

Mitch knew, just by the way he acted around him, that Oliver figured out something was wrong with him.He didn't press for information. He showed it in the way he lingered for a few more seconds when they hugged, the way he always made sure to ask how he was feeling, kissing his forehead after a particularly bad day. Mitch grew fond of the peaceful feeling he got whenever he was around him, of the way his clouded thoughts seemed to clear when Oliver would run his hands through his hair, unconsciously as they watched TV in the evening.

That's why that night, when he was already in bed, Oliver snoring softly by him, the realization hit him so suddenly he was startled out of bed, jumping from where he was on the verge of awake and asleep.  
He hadn't thought of Scott all day, not consciously at least. He threw a glance at the man sleeping next to him, features relaxed and peaceful, and smiled to himself.  
However, the hole in his chest was still there, and Mitch couldn't see a close future where he wouldn't feel this absence so deeply .  
He went back to sleep and hoped he wouldn't dream of blue eyes.  
__________________

' I mean, there is no chance in hell I would keep attending that class while that homophobic ass is teaching it'  
Mitch continued his rant from under the pile of blankets that were wrapped around him like a cocoon, brooding not-so-silently on the couch. Oliver fussed around him, trying to make him feel better, but something was noticeably off about him, because he fiddled with his fingers and kept biting his lip. He tried in vain to get Mitch to talk to him instead of mindlessly ranting at himself, and he grew more and more frustrated.

' He basically told me to my face that he wasn't going to pass me because I'm gay.'  
' I'm sure it was terrible, but I was hoping we could talk about something else,I..'  
Not even registering him, the boy continued ' It was ridiculous, the nerve on him -'  
' Mitch!' Oliver's voice grew to a slight yell as he exhaled, more annoyed than infuriated.  
' I know this is all you projecting whatever is wrong deep down on your asshole teacher , Mitch. I know you didn't sleep again last night and listened to whatever you listen to whenever you get sad.'

His voice wasn't loud anymore, it was soft and concerned, and Mitch couldn't look him in the eye when he replied. ' How.. How do you know about that?'  
Oliver exhaled and sat next to Mitch,tucking a piece of stray hair behind his ear. As he looked up, Mitch noticed how warm and full of light his amber eyes were (but they weren't blue) .  
' Well, I just happen to know what keeps my boyfriend up at night.' Oliver chuckles, but a terrified expression appears on his face as soon as he realizes his words, and rushes to explain himself ' I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - I mean, you don't have to be if you don't want to,but'  
' Oliver'

Mitch pauses, and thinks about that day spent at the record store when they came home with their clothes soaked by the rain and dumb smiles on their faces. He thinks about the intense, fire like heat that rushed through his body when they almost kissed at that party, and about the warmth that pooled in his stomach when they finally kissed for real. He remembers shivers going down his spine whenever those blue eyes lingered on him.  
But instantly, like it's given, memories of crying himself into oblivion come back ,of frustration and sacrifices that tore the two of them down, of shriveled pain in his gut and glassy eyes when he had to say goodbye for good.  
He thinks of Scott, but then he thinks of how much they can't just be, and so he smiles and looks up at the boy in front of him. 

' Boyfriend sounds good.'

________________

Later,his phone buzzes and buzzes, but he's too preoccupied having a pretty boy'smouth on his mouth to look at it. When he eventually does, it's a lot of missedcalls from Kirstie and one single text. 

' I wanted to tell you this before you found out from the newspapers, but Scott called off his wedding.'   
________

The sun rises over the city and the hazy air of the morning starts to clear- and Mitch hasn't slept all night. The sky outside is lilac, yet inside his apartment it's dark, and warm, and safe. Somehow, Mitch feels like he's suffocating, so he doesn't stay inside. He's laying on the floor of his balcony, feet hanging off it, cup of black coffee in his hand, when he feels a blanket being draped over him and the sound of the door opening. Mitch says nothing, because he knows how burnt out and frayed his voice would sound, instead throwing Oliver a thankful smile that doesn't really reach his eyes, red-rimmed with insomnia.

'You look tired' the other boy comments on the navy circles under his eyes, gaze concerned and questioning. Mitch could see why – last night, everything felt like things were better, like they were finally looking up from the gutter. Last night, everything was different. It pains him to find a slight tint of disappointment in his eyes, so Mitch looks away and takes a sip of his scolding hot coffee, wondering if Scott is seeing the same kind of pastel hues in the sky as he is, or if maybe he's thinking about him. Highly unlikely. This self-pity, wallowing is getting old. He's at a point where he would sell a lung to forget the past months and be at least contempt with his mediocre life, if not happy. Well, not literally - point was, he was done. The last thing he had to do, though, what was only right for both of them, is to tell Oliver about him. At least to some extent.

He's suddenly reminded his boyfriend is standing right next to him when Oliver clears his throat and begins to talk again, arguing 'Look Mitch, I don't know what's going on with y-'

'There was this boy.' Mitch begins, but his voice cracks and for a moment, he's at a lost for words. How does he even begin to explain the turmoil currently breaking everything inside him, a ruthless tornado that rips houses and trees and lifts them into thin air like they're pieces of paper. How does he put into words the way even a month and a half later his heart still sticks to the inside of his ribcage when he hears his name.

Oliver, clueless as he is, encourages him to continue,softly pushing his forehead into Mitch's shoulder, like a cat; Mitch is suddenly reminded he loves Oliver, too, in an entirely different, completely selfish way. The exact opposite of how Oliver feels about him, he supposes.

'I guess you could call it complicated. We are – we were best friends, but then some things happened between us, feelings were involved and well- he's supposed to get married now. I would be lying if I said I don't think about it.' He explains, and tries to smile, but it comes out crooked and wry. Oliver reaches out to touch his hand, and rubs circles in his harsh knuckles, and smiles , sleepy , yawning quietly.

Mitch's left out the part where he's found out Scott isn't getting married anymore , the fact that he doesn't even know where he is or how he's managed to do that, to break free, if he's okay - simply because it hurts too bad to say out loud. And because Oliver's hands are warm and his voice surprisingly understanding when he mutters ' It's okay. You're here right now, and that's all that matters to me.'

He is, as he can't allow himself to be anywhere else.

Not physically, at least, because if he's being honest, his heart had been with Scott all night.

______________

Two weeks pass and Mitch doesn't hear anything from him. Kirstie tells Mitch how he's run off to England right after he called the wedding off. Not a word, a message, not to anyone.

Two weeks pass until Mitch stops imagining him showing up at his door and saying ' I came back for you.'.

Oliver pretends not to notice how Mitch's eyes are damp whenever he checks his phone and nothing's there. It all works out. Somehow.

______________

He's in a grocery store when It happens. Mitch is in a particularly good mood too, humming quietly as he decides what kind of milk to get. Everything's been okay lately, and he finds peace in the routine they've established; Oliver is basically moved in by now, and Mitch is almost done with school. Things are as good as they're going to get, he imagines.

He's made peace with the knowledge that he'll always love Scott , no matter what, and that he'd have to carry that with him all his life probably. He's learnt to see it less as a weight linked to his ankle and more as an old, faded t-shirt that should be thrown out but that he keeps anyway. It's probably unhealthy, he knows, but he also found out the hard way that he couldn't do anything about it, no amount of alcohol or pills could drown it out or burn it out of him. He stops fighting it, stops swimming against the current, and that's when he's able to breathe. Not like before, it's never going to be like before, but at least now he's sleeping at night.

So when it happens, when it's 5 pm on an usual Tuesday and he's in the grocery store he always goes to, and suddenly he sees Scott standing 2 meters away, with a bag of cereal in his hand and staring right at him, all air is knocked out of his chest and his throat closes up. He looks twice, because hallucinations are the next logical thing apparently, but no, he's not wrong, his former best-friend, unrequited love of his life is right there, and he's walking towards him.

Carefully, Mitch puts down the carton of milk he was holding and positively bolts down the aisle, sprinting like his life depends on it. It isn't because he's suddenly remembered he left the stove on, but because he knows all the signs and he doesn't want to have a panic attack in the middle of the store. At least he should be outside.

Doesn't matter, because like a given his vision goes blurry, patches of light everywhere , and everything around him turns fuzzy. He's been through this before, the terrible feeling of walking through water, and he just hopes if he passes out he won't crack his skull open on the sidewalk. The funny thing is that the panic attack isn't his biggest problem now, actually, and as he inhales and exhales loudly, trying to calm down the thumping in his chest, he prays he's actually just mistaken someone else for Scott.

He's proven wrong when a voice speaks behind him 'Oh my god Mitch, are you alright?'. Mitch doesn't respond, because he can't, not that he doesn't want to rip into Scott about not saying a word in almost two months and about running off to England and basically about everything, so he sits himself on the curve of the sidewalk and concentrates on breathing, while the very reason of his attack sits besides him, quietly. Mitch doesn't notice Scott's resting a hand on his back, softly rubbing circles into it, until later, when his breathing simmers down to a normal pace, and he gets a chance to actually look at the boy standing beside him.  
As he studies him, observing how blue his eyes still are, how tired and worn he looks, how painfully familiar all his features are, like a childhood book he's re-read a thousand times, he also realizes the reason behind his anxiety. It wasn't just the shock of seeing him unexpected after so long, but also the terrible, heart wrenching fear of all his feelings resurfacing the moment he sees Scott again.

Unfortunately, he ends up to be right. Here he is, after everything, and Mitch has every right to be furious, yet all he can think about lunging forward to hug him and rest his head right under his chin, locking his hands around his waist, breathing in his scent and mumbling about how much he's missed him.

'What ..are you doing here?' he asks instead, in what he hopes to be a indifferent tone.

A long time passes before Scott speaks, so long that Mitch thinks about getting up and walking away, or maybe waking up ( he's not entirely sure yet this isn't a dream ) He almost feels tears prickling in his eyes because how much he's missed him, and the heat seeping through where their knees touch isn't helping, but he bites his tongue and holds his grounds.

' I- I came home yesterday. From England, I mean. I drove myself home, even though I knew she wouldn't be there anyway. The apartment was empty, all the furniture gone, the pictures and the plants and all my stuff in boxes by the door. It felt like one of those moments you should cry, or break plates, or go to a bar and get hammered. Like something big ended,and a door had closed for good. But all my plates were gone anyway and honestly, I didn't care. I realized I didn't care what happened. I had no job, an empty shell of an apartment, no girlfriend and the remote possibility of never speaking to my father again. And I just- didn't care. All I could think about was you.'

Mitch sucks in a breath, and covers his mouth with the back of his hand. He's reading Scott's eyes, but they seem nothing but sincere. He has his heart on the verge of spilling out, so torn and fragile, like even someone bumping into him on the street would still result in him shattering in a million tiny pieces.

' I have been the absolute worst friend in the world. I know. And I understand why you wouldn't want to have anything to do with me ever again, because this is all my fault, figuring it out so late . I'm sorry, for everything. And I know you said we weren't friends – maybe we never were just friends, and it took me what, years to see it? We were something, and I've only now come to the conclusion I can be without anything, anything except that something.'

Mitch looks at the pavement and wishes to disappear into it and then into nothing, to dissipate and be absorbed by nothingness, to exist somewhere else, a place where hurt like this doesn't exist, where words like Scott's don't scrape against his skin like this. Late, everything is too late, and everything Scott is now saying is wonderful and all he's ever really wanted, but it's also so, so late ..

'Scott, I- I can't, I have a boyfriend now.' He whispers, wry and etched with sadness, tired all over again, like it's two months ago and he's losing sleep with a worried Oliver by his side, listening to that damn voicemail like it's vital to his existence. Thing is, two months ago Mitch, desperate and darker than he's ever been, that Mitch would've taken Scott in a second. But now he's closed that door, patched himself up and moved on somehow, not completely, but enough for him to start smiling with his whole body, not just his mouth. He's got Oliver, who didn't break his heart and ran off without a word before, and Kirstie, and his first role in a Broadway show, even if it's little, and he's got a life to live. And now ..

Now Scott is standing right next to him, and hurt shows in his features when he mentions Oliver, but he nods and runs his hands through his air absentmindedly, and Mitch wants to kiss him so bad, it isn't even funny.

'I know... Kirstie told me. I couldn't ask you to leave him. I just felt like if I didn't see you, I would explode. The decision I made, about Jo .. I made it to break free, above anything, but the first thing that crossed my mind when I walked out of my father's office was how much I've hurt you. So, I'm here to tell you it's my turn to wait. I don't care how long it takes, or if it never happens. I'll be here for you, If you'll have me. As a friend, because I know I lost my chance of being more than that, and you've moved on. I just hope I can still be in your life, even if it's not in the way I wish it could be. '

When Mitch looks at him, he's smiling, sad and worn, a bare tug of the corners of his mouth, but it's there, and he looks so tired, like he's given up on everything, that without realizing, Mitch gently moves his hands and runs them through his hair, down the back of his neck and finally cupping his face, like he wants to take with him all the worries and the sad there, the frowns and the obvious lack of sleep. Time stops and Scott holds his breath, surprised at the sudden touch but not displeased, and it seems like years, the time they spend looking at each other. Scott - surprised, with his eyes widened, but so fond, like he's afraid even breathing would break the atmosphere that's settled around them, and Mitch –concentrated, wanting to take it all in, to recount the shades in his eyes, to let himself dream for a moment about leaning forward just a few inches, a slight move, enough to close the distance between their lips.

He stops himself just in time, catches himself and what he's doing, and the moment is over, his hands fall on either side of his body and he tries to smile back too. 'Okay.' Is what he says instead, as he gets up from the sidewalk and brushes himself off. 'Okay, we'll do that.' Scott nods enthusiastically, but Mitch can see it's not enough for him. However, there's too much uncertainty, too much words not said and too much hurt in his memory to do anything about it. He knows that if he were to get broken again, there would be no chance he could stitch himself together again. This time, Mitch is the one that can't give him everything.

He wants to, but he can't, because it's too late.

/  
" And the coolness of your smile is

Stirring of birds between my arms; but

i should rather than anything

have

(almost when hugeness will shut

quietly)

almost,

your kiss. "

\- e.e cummings

 

Scott is fine, he is absolutely fine. It's been a couple of weeks since he's dropped everything, had a nervous breakdown and yelled at his father, threatening him with lawsuits for years to come if he didn't drop the clause in their contract that kept him from seeing his little brothers. It took a lot of negotiations for him to give in, and Scott had to threaten with exposing all the dirty laundry the company hid, but in the end he got his way. He was sure his father wouldn't speak to him for years, and it stung; for a second he felt bad for being such a disappointment in his parent's eyes. Then he remembered the way he treated him, more like a boss than a father, and reconciled with the idea. Plus, he had his mom and the boys.

Breaking up with Jo was a whole other deal. He imagined she would be the one to cry, but in the end he was the one who teared up. From the second Scott came in and reluctantly whispered 'Jo, we have to talk.. ', she sighed and then sweetened her expression with a knowing, bitter smile.

' It's over, isn't it?'

Scott bent down in front of where she was sat in their kitchen, and tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear, hand lingering on the warm skin of her cheek, taking a moment to look at her before nodding. She was beautiful, the kind of beautiful people stop in the street to look at, an interior beauty that shines on the outside and fills the room around her. And here he was, throwing it all away. Why couldn't he love her? Why couldn't life just be easy for once?

He just hoped the damage caused wasn't irreparable. In the hopes of salvaging what was left, he began explaining things as best as he could. How he felt suffocated, how trapped, every single day until he eventually snapped. How he felt like if he didn't get away for a while he would implode.  
But also, how unfair it all was to her, how sorry he was for dragging this for so long. And finally, how much he loved her, but not in the way that she wanted, the way she deserved.  
When it was all over, and silence settled around the room like a blanket of smoke, she just nodded and looked through her purse. She took out a set of keys, pushing them on the table towards Scott. ' I have a flat in London, I stay there sometime when I have work. Go, use it.'

 

Instead of replying, Scott stretched his arms and she fit effortlessly in them , just like old times, and they sat there hugging for a long time. Just before he was ready to tear away and leave, she held on a little longer and whispered into their embrace ' I never had a chance, didn't I? Do you.. love him?'  
Scott looked away and spoke softly into her hair 'I didn't realise until recently. I'm sorry. 'And that was that.  
___________

Barely a week later, Mitch shows up at his door. It's the middle of the night and Scott mumbles silent swears at whoever is banging on his door at that ungodly hour, yawning and simultaneously dragging his feet to open the door. He doesn't expect seeing him of all people on the other side, face so blank Scott can read nothing from it, remorse or sadness, not even a hint or a clue – Scott watches as his body shakes with a slight tremor and when he speaks he looks down at his pale hands 'May I come in?'

Scott nods frantically; there's something so indescribable, so overwhelming about the way Mitch's presence fills the room, like a cool air that still everything in sight; Scott could swear the dim light that's coming from the street lamps outside turns lilac. He must be going mad. All his thoughts are lost in a sweep of Mitch's gaze across his body, followed bluntly by his voice.

'Oliver broke up with me.' In his tone, there's nothing accusatory, judging or condescending. It's a mere stating of facts, and Scott looks at him with wide eyes, confused as to what his role there is. Confused and naively hopeful. Just knowing the fact that Mitch was no longer someone else's is somehow relieving, like that is the only thing standing between them. He almost wants to snort at the thought, but catches himself and asks ' What happened? ' instead.

' I came home, and he was sitting at the kitchen table, eyes completely blank. I sat down and tried getting him to talk, but nothing worked. It took half an hour for him to able to look me in the eye, and even then, I swear he was struggling. And you know what he said?'

A beat, a moment of silence, before Scott shakes his head a little, breathless.

'He told me that sometimes, I say your name in my sleep.' Scott inhales sharply and begins to form a sentence, a thread of a thought barely put together, a shot of warmth that comes from deep within, bells of painful truth ringing in his head 'I say your name too!' – instead of that, he tries to object. Its not fair, but what is really fair in their lives. 'Mitch, I-'

The other boy doesn't let him; his eyes are now swallowed by tears, glassy and on the cusp of breaking. He is so beautiful, he knocks the breath out of Scott, and when he speaks a storm of hurt lashes out.

' And it's not just that- I look for you, Scott. He said I even yell sometimes, like finding you is so urgent, like I'd suffocate without you. And I, I just stood there and-'

It's too much, so when his voice breaks on the last few words the tears come rushing out, hot and trembling on his cheeks, and he wipes them away with the sleeve of his sweater, and through them he continues speaking. Scott stand there, like a ghost, while his heart breaks in what feels like the kind of pieces you can hardly put back together.

' And I listened to him because what else could I do, deny it? Say I don't have dreams about you every freaking night? I stood as he told me he realized having me awake wasn't enough, and it would never be enough because in the end, it was you I dreamed about, and if he had told me it was also you I thought about every chance my mind wandered, I couldn't have denied it. 

And the thing is, I could have saved it. Beg him to give it another chance, promise I'd never mention your name again, give my word it was only him I would think about. Go on with my life. Do the right thing, for once.'  
Scott feels like he's being split at the seams, his ribcage open and exposed and heart fluttering madly inside it. It hurts, so bad he sees shapes and colors behind his eyelids, but the light pouring in is white, so it's okay.

Mitch snorts at his own words and a moment after, another sob shakes his bones, but he doesn't reason it this time, just leaves Scott to witness it , see as his pieces come undone and he furiously tries to wipe the tears away.

(He doesn't say why he's burst into tears because the words sit heavy on his tongue, bitter like medicine – he's just remembered the way Oliver's eyes shined after he kissed him goodbye, so soft and untainted, when he whispered ' I mistook you for a soulmate, when in fact you were a lesson. I ..wanted so badly for you to be the one. Guess some things just aren't meant to be.'

Sometimes Mitch wonders if he hasn't caused more pain than he's felt.)

'So then, what are you doing here?' The words float through the room like a paper boat on a river stream, light and there, not meant to bring harm. A question, a feeling that's circles the air around them a hundred times before it reached the lips. Scott looks at him, waiting, and this time, when Mitch finally speaks, he is looking right back. ' I want to know if throwing away the best thing in my life was worth it.'

Neither of them say anything after that, and they simply breathe in sync, inhaling and exhaling the same cold air, heavy with everything, letting it swirl in their lungs. Scott walks towards him and slowly, the space between them lessens. His movements are languid, almost poetic in motion, and they end up so close the heat that radiates almost burns their skin, somehow in the best way. Just as Scott wonders what would the pale skin of his collarbone feel beneath his fingertips, Mitch stands up slightly on his tiptoes, and locks his hands behind Scott's neck. 

The combination of their height difference and Mitch's proximity makes his head spin. Their noses almost bump together, so he has the chance of studying the way freckles form constellation on the skin beneath his dark circles, ribbons of violet that show nights or restless sleep, the fluttering move of his eyelashes, the endless fascination of his eyes, pouring right back into his, and there, so close, the curve of his mouth, full and tinted like ripen cherries.

As Scott leans down to press their lips together, Mitch pulls him in slightly, so they meet halfway. It takes a moment for them to tilt their heads, so they can kiss properly. He kisses him gently, like he's about to break the most beautiful balance there is if he were to push, and Mitch melts under him, mouth pliant and warm like honey. Scott snakes his arms around his waist delicately, so their bodies touch from head to toe. Mitch hums in agreement in his mouth and in return Scott lets him chase stories with his tongue in the arch of his mouth. He almost shivers with want, the heat rising in streaks and up to his head, hot in his veins, and Mitch makes a sound between their lips that cuts through Scott's knees, making them weak.

The other boy's fingers trace softly across Scott's jaw and he breaks away from the kiss. They breath in at the same time and remember briefly there is a world outside the warmth they've created between them, something other than searching for the taste of mint and sweetness and Mitch on the roof of his mouth.

'I don't want to be fireworks' The brunette whispers in what little space they have between them, looking up fretfully. A question, uneasiness in the frown that forms between his brows.

'What?' Scott breaths back.

'You always used to love fireworks. Before, you made me go with you to the docs on the 4th of July every year and watch them. It was crowded and loud, and I hated it, but I went because of the way your eyes used to shine after, lighting up with excitement as you went on and on about how much you love fireworks. You're right, they are beautiful...but they end. Their colors burst for a moment and yes, it takes your breath away, but then they fade into the darkness and you forget about them. They are fleeting. And I don't want to be that to you.'

Before he can say anymore Scott kisses the words out of his mouth, fully, with his entire body, until Mitch's head is dizzy and he forgets everything else.

'You're not, I promise you're not.' There is no doubt in his response, just a clarity in his eyes that's long overdue. And for the first time, Mitch doesn't doubt it either. He smiles shyly and tries to bite his lip to keep it down, but Scott just kisses it for him instead. Mitch sees stars behind his eyelids when he feels Scott tremor under his fingertips, and he thinks he could get used to this.

_________________

It's only a few days later when Mitch slips up those words. He hadn't meant to, ground still unsteady after everything, but somehow his heart rushes on him; it's a mundane day too, the afternoon light filtering through their windows as they banter back and forth in his kitchen. Mitch is sitting on the counter, feet dangling beneath him, and Scott is making lunch for both of them, as he usually does. Partly because he's afraid Mitch would burn the house down if the tried, but mostly because when Mitch pouts, he gets what he wants.

So when Scott hands him a plate of pancakes (breakfast for lunch, because why the hell not), Mitch doesn't expect the words coming out of his mouth to be ' Thanks, love you.'

Apparently, Scott is surprised too, so he freezes with the spatula in his hand, but then his features soften and melt into a smile that Mitch has discovered is vital for his own being.

'I love you too.' He replies, a song in his voice, and goes right back to casually flipping pancakes, humming something quietly to himself. Mitch doesn't stop staring at him for a second. First, he mumbles ' You love me?'. Scott turns around and raises his eyebrows in amusements, like he's asking back 'So?' . When he sees Mitch's surprise is genuine, he slowly makes his way to the counter, and tilts Mitch's jaw softly with his hand, so when he kisses him the angle is just right. When they're out of air, Mitch whispers into Scott's mouth; 'You love me.' - but this time it isn't a question. Scott chuckles and pecks him one more time. ' That I do.' Then he goes back to the stove, and Mitch is left with a stupid, wide grin on his face, so big his eyes are crinkling.

He feels like galaxies are bursting in vivid colors inside his chest, but not in the way fireworks do. This time, these ones are here to stay. Finally , he feels like himself again.


End file.
